Celebrity New Year's Resolutions

Written by Abel Rodriguez

Saturday, 29 December 2012


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Some New Year's Resolutions last about as long as the fireworks displays. (Photo courtesy of Michelle Obama).

Well it's that time of the year again, when everyone in the free world makes their New Year's Resolutions.

Experts on the subject report that a little over 27 percent of the individuals who make the resolutions actually end up keeping them; with most going by the wayside within the first two days of the new year.

Last year one of the biggest resolutions was to stop eating so many carbs. Another resolution that was up towards the top of the list was to stop paying attention to Donald Trump and his incessant babble about the president's birth certificate.

The average American citizen makes 1.3 resolutions each New Year's Day. Tinsel Town celebrities are infamous for making resolutions and breaking them due to either being on the forgetful side or else due to a bit too much alcohol and some form of narcotic substance which tends to hinder their thought process.


• Joan Rivers - To give her plastic surgeon a much needed rest.

• Arnold Schwarzenegger - To hire a maid that has had her tubes tied.

• Kristen Stewart - To get a much needed Glamour Makeover.

• Lindsay Lohan - To see about obtaining a Get Out of Jail Card.

• Piers Morgan - To stop his anti-NRA remarks so that he does not end up getting deported back to England.

• Betty White - The 90-year-old has said that she would like a boy-toy in the 50-70 age range.

• Jesse James - Some diction lessons so that he doesn't sound like he barely made it through the second grade when he talks.

• Lady Gaga - To stop gaining weight so that she does not end up looking like Kirstie Alley.

• Cher - To once and for all admit to herself that she is not Selena Gomez, Demi Lovato, nor Miley Cyrus and start acting her age, which is 66.

• Katy Perry - To finally accept the fact that her boyfriend John "The Player" Mayer is just using her as his own personal sex object and he has no intentions of ever marrying her.

• Madonna - To find a way to somehow stop acting like an old, bitter, has-been hag and realize that her fan base now has less members than Ann "Trigger Face" Coulter's does.

• Simon Cowell - To produce yet another of his music competition shows called Old-Factor, with senior citizen singers 60-years-old and over.

• Angelina Jolie - To stop nagging her fiancé Brad Pitt about every little thing before he just up and dumps her pompous ass.

• Willie Nelson - To finally accept the fact that it is silly as hell for a 79-year-old man to still be smoking marijuana.

• Snooki Polizzi - To find a way to understand that no one cares about her anymore and simply go far away and stay there.

• Demi Moore - To move down to Mexico, where she can have a different boy-toy each and every day.

• Keith Urban - To start buying boots with six-inch heels.

• Rihanna - To talk to Dr. Phil and get him to tell her why in the world she is so damn attracted to a guy who beat the tar out of her.

• Kourtney Kardashian - To see about getting more publicity so that she does not have to live in the shadows of younger sisters Kim and Khloe.

• Donald Trump - To continue to be the same boring, arrogant, sarcastic horse's ass he has been for the past few years.

Here's Wishing Everyone A Safe, Prosperous, and
Happy New Year

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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