Confessions of an undercover Jesuit in Mormon American Fork, Utah and how I alone will defeat Mitt Romney

Funny story written by Francois Dubois, S.J.

Friday, 14 September 2012


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Mitt Romney's ass is mine! Thus sayeth the Jesuit...

I am a Roman Catholic clergyman, a Jesuit. From 1991 through the fall of 1994, I lived in American Fork, Utah, a then small, village between Salt Lake City and Provo. I was a missionary to the Mormons. I was also deeply under cover.

For the first year-and-a-half my cover was that of a bar fly with my own stool at the le Sabre Lounge in American Fork, an honest to goodness bar (a private club) owned by an honest to goodness Jack Mormon.

Then my cover changed.

Between shots of 100 proof Fire Water, pitchers of beer, pickled eggs, pickled sausages and pickled pig knuckles, I became the Executive Producer of a Salt Lake AM talk radio station. People listened to me talk on the radio; I programed what talk they would hear on my radio station; and the folks at the bar didn't give a shit what I said as long as my checks cleared.

Then my cover changed again as a result of my saying, on the air, that Jospeh Smith was a con-man and that Brigham Young was a cradle robber, and a stone cold killer, and was directly responsible for the Mountain Meadows Massacre. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints arranged the parting of my radio career from my ass. I was lucky to keep my ass.

However, the bru-ha-ha over my firing led to even greater opportunities to spread the word about Catholic Doctrine due to the fact that almost everyone at the le Sabre Lounge had been either disfellowshipped or excommunicated by the Mormon church for drinking--and getting caught at it.

The Mormons are very moral and upright family oriented folks. Their children are less likely than any children to become serious delinquents. They have fewer divorces. They are also quite insane about the revelations of Joseph Smith and Brigham Young and the rest of their prophets. In Mormon reality it is not what you think that gets you into trouble with the church--not what you do that gets you into trouble with the church--but it is what you get caught thinking or doing that gets you into trouble with the church.

Catholics can get caught doing nearly anything and we don't kick them out--they go to Confession and everything is OK. I had a deal for those former Mormons and they were listening.

Enter Mitt Romney...

I first heard Mitt Romney speak at a LDS convention. The second time (I think) was at Brigham Young University during chapel, but that might be wrong, an idea that is hatched more from the pickled eggs on top of hard liquor and cheap pitchers of beer. Either way, that was the first time I heard him speechify and I knew then, right then, he was going to run for President of the United States and that I, a humble Jesuit, I had to stop him.

Since that day, I have followed Mitt Romney wherever his political career has taken him (figuratively you Secret Service Agents, figuratively). I personally sabatouged his first bid to become the Republican nominee in 2007. I did it by using the intelligence I gathered (at great expense) on the bar stools at the le Sabre Lounge, in American Fork, Utah, to throw a monkey wrench into his campaign.

When he loses to Obama come this November, it shall be me alone, my efforts, that caused his defeat. No matter how badly President Obama handles his campaign, even if he walks through America with his shanghauser hanging out, he shall prevail.

I will get even with those friggin Mormons for getting me fired from the cushiest job I ever had as a Jesuit; for all of the free Fire Water, free beer, free pickled eggs and free pickled pig knuckles I lost due to truthfully accusing Joseph Smith of being a con-man; due to pointing out that Brigham Young was, indeed, a cradle robber and a stone cold killer at Mountain Meadows. I will do it for all the excommunicated masses at the le Sabre Lounge.

You just can't screw around with a Jesuit!

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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