Aries
March 21st - April 19th
Your must win at any cost attitude must be kerbed this September, for the sake of the less violent people around you, and to help prevent the high risk levels from the 4th to the 11th, of your making yourself look a bigger prat than usual. Especially if fail to think before talking!
Your silent but deadly passing of wind, will reach new heights around the 14th, and following through may be experienced at times, and ultra embarrassing.
While September indicates a likely disappointment, it does not necessarily mean something major or life-shattering will occur, it might just be something like breaking a leg, divorce, or your going into bankruptcy.
A chance for you to help the local community will arise for you, and if it does, consider moving house.
Advice for September: Some people will reveal themselves to be cunning, lying, untrustworthy, nepotistic, dishonest, and greedy. So do not mix with any politicians this September if you can help it.
Taurus
April 20th - May 20st
You will be inspired, admired, desired, and bemired in September, from and by strangers, colleagues, visitors and maybe even a long haired, 5' 3" Outer Peruvian Big Issue Seller.
A neighbour may well ask for the £20 back he/she loaned to in April 1992.
Help is often nearer than you think, remember that some of the world's greatest intellects are attempting to change the way you think about pickled walnuts.
Someone will tell you of your personal habits, biting your nails, gum popping, excessive sniffing, nervous eye twitching, tapping of pencil, and popping your knuckles... ignore them.
Advice for September: If you are going to take advice from someone, take it from a person who has already achieved what you are striving for.
Gemini
May 21st - June 21st
A purchase you have been planning for a little time should perhaps be delayed for a short while. At least until you get some definite information from the liar and cheat who promised you promotion or a pay rise.
Count your blessings, at all levels this September. Your actions have not gone unnoticed, but least the police have not found you out yet, and the summonses will not arrive until November.
Best if you do not obstrigillate the speeding ticket you get on the 21st.
Advice for September: Cheer loudly at 8.02pm each Wednesday and Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.
Cancer
June 22nd - July 22nd
Expect an important letter in the mail which could alter your present lifestyle, or perhaps shatter it would be a better word.
Male Cancer's luck has not been all that good lately, but will only get worse I assure you, as disclosures about your unpaid debts and foibles will be revealed to others by one you have ignored.
Female Cancer's will have their gorgeous boobs admired and desired by celebrities, authorities, and wicker-bottom chair repairers from near and afar this month, especially Virgo ones.
Just because you are clever, wise and educated, does not mean that others are jealous and suspicious of you... I mean others are jealous and suspicious of you, but for other reasons.
Advice for September: Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate.
Leo
July 23rd - August 22nd
Use that recently acquired bit of "found" money in ways that will bring personal pleasure, not that you had any other plans for it.
Just being aware of your selfish attitude will not be sufficient this month to avoid actions being taken against you by the authorities.
Try this month to cure your addiction to caffeine, gambling,
and claiming benefits.
Your natural wish to be to the best, the top, will stand you in good stead on or around the 23rd September, when you actually check the tyre pressures on your car.
Advice for September: Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.
Virgo
August 23rd - September 22nd
Keep your money in your sock instead of throwing it away on any financial investment projects this month that will fail miserably and cause heartache, bad feeling, and frustration, followed by a seriously deep attack of the mulligrubs this September.
The good news is that travelling will be far less complicated than it has been for you, but the ban may only be for 6 months.
Your belching while chewing tobacco may need a medical examination, try to sober-up enough to visit your GP.
Advice for September: Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Libra
September 23rd - October 23rd
Several actions of Mr Cameron's shower will have a detrimental affect on your lifestyle, and cause you a period of mythomanis.
You will receive oracular messages through the post and possibly telephone/email from authority figures, in the form of a warning/caution. But then you have been expecting them have't you.
Romance will blossom for you after the police have released you.
Consistency isn't always good, especially if you're consistently wrong.
Advice for September: As Oscar Wilde said, Always forgive your enemies - Nothing annoys them so much!
Scorpio
October 24th - November 21st
Be careful not to assume the worst about a close friend or lover, or rather do assume the worst, but don't let them know yet, until the lies are sorted out for definite, around the 44th September.
Your an excellent athlete, and the only reason you didn't become one is that no-one believes you.
Your responsibilities have brought you conflict and angst, if this does not ease for you, a grey Robin Reliant van parked each Friday morning from 0700hrs to 0720hrs on the corner of Melcham Street and Cobblers Lane in Nottingham offers a variety of weapons/ammunition at reasonable prices.
Advice for September: The Opposite sex? Go get 'em tiger! They certainly aren't coming to you!
Sagittarius
November 22nd - December 21st
A romantic project this month, that has been hanging fire, just might be reopened later, to the advantage of everyone concerned but you.
Your holiday just taken will be just a memory, and drudgery will return into your life. However the break-in while you were away might alleviate this a little.
Being the luckiest of the star-signs, you will soon see happiness, romance, and financial gain - just try not to be jealous of your neighbour.
Advice for September: Put your mind at rest this month, settle that nagging worry that has been bothering you for years. Drill a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed, and satisfy your curiosity.
Capricorn
December 22nd - January 19th
A change of direction or profession is not impossible for you at this point, you have the ability and knowledge to achieve this, but it's just not very likely with the 'G' and 'P' that are planning to take advantage of your skills and knowledge.. again!
You are secretly admired by many, and openly by even more people of a lesser intelligence and odd foibles.
You will be missing something of or from the old days lately, but it will be a good miss.
This is still not a time for risky investments, gambling, expecting a lottery win, or European harmony.
Advice for September: Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. This month simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
Aquarius
January 20th - February 18th
Your love life may well be in for an exciting period during September. Then again...
You'll continue to inspire those closest to you to reach for the antiperspirant.
In quiet moments you are more able to hear your true self speaking. Take time to create a regular practice of reflection through meditation, worship or prayer. Or have a pint!
If you need help figuring things out financially, don't hesitate to ask for it, you won't get it... but...
Advice for September: The only thing that interferes with your learning this month is your education.
Pisces
February 19th - March 20th
Keep your head down in the family arguments that are due this month - try not to openly support one side over the other yet, until they get out of hospital.
Your habit of getting the wrong end of the stick will continue this September, but do try to avoid doing so around the 84th of the month.
You may well burn the Mulligatawny soup on the 11th.
Female Pisces: Try not to scare away potential suitors by flexing your muscles too hard.
Advice for September: Remember, the quickest way to double your money this month is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.
