I Predict No More Riots

Funny story written by Backandtotheleft

Friday, 16 March 2012

Police chiefs today outlined their new plans in how to respond to "social disturbances" or as we at Back and to the Left news call them "people acting batshit crazy". Police hope the new plans will help response times to events such as the London riots, and also allow them to use whatever means necessary to get the job done.

The four point program was out lined as such.

1.Water Cannon-The police will be able to use water cannons on the streets of England for the first time. The new Super soaker 5billion sends a jet of water into rioters. One advantage is in winter the water it so cold it comes out as a shaft of ice. The police know that the water cannon will not be effective against the more determined trouble causers but hope to use it on elderly protesters and children who may have got caught up in the excitement.

2.Taser Rifles- These long range electric guns will be predominantly used to take out ring leaders of riots. They will be given to specialised sniper units who will be deployed at the slightest sign of trouble, like somebody clearing their throat on the Underground. These will also be used in conjunction with the water cannons to allow for large quantities of the public to be electrocuted.

3.Professional Borers- These specially trained units of professional wafflers are to be dispersed within any crowd that are likely to cause trouble. These people will be charged with slowing down any descent into violence by distracting the agitators with stories about their incontinent cats, the fact they've had five feet of intestine removed and now have to poo into a bag or the old favourite "my hobbies include collecting plastic chip forks, do you want to see them?" . It is the hope that these special units can demoralise the trouble makers enough with their incessant nattering that they'll just go home.

4.City Tanks- The boldest and most innovative of the new measures to be brought in. These 75 tonne behemoths have one purpose and one purpose only; to completely crush any and all opposition the police may be facing. The tanks will be driven by handpicked police officers who have an intense hatred for ethnic minorities (meaning 80% of the police will be eligible to drive one) and are be equipped with numerous features including: flame throwers (to light up a darkened area), evidence planters (because they're going to be guilty of something) and "crime scoops" which can pick up and hold up to ten people at a time. The tanks will only be used when every other measure has been expended or just when the police get board of appealing for calm.

Such is the police chiefs confidence in these new tactics that they fully expect the street to be completely free of people by early 2013.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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