Lynton Erskin and Inchcock. The race. Part three

Funny story written by armfeetandtoe

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

image for Lynton Erskin and Inchcock. The race. Part three
SKOOB and C.J. try out their spray on a vicar

From behind his field binoculars, Skoob watched transfixed as the chaos unfolded.

"One nil to us" said Skoob handing the glasses to C.J.

"Wow!" Exclaimed C.J. "That was close those silly sods could have ended up in the Serpentine".

"Serpentine?" answered Skoob "what's paint brush cleaner got to do with it?"

"The Serpentine Skoob, the big pond in the middle of the park you twit" answered C.J.

"Oh, yes, your right me old mate, I was thinking of the Lido in Wandsworth" said Skoob.

"Well stop thinking about it and let's get on with stopping them raping your bank account".

Skoob and C.J made their way along Bayswater road. C.J. stopped and turned to Skoob.

"You are not going to tell me you love are you?" Enquired Skoob .

"No, well not yet" answered C.J. "What would happen if they got attacked by birds?" asked C.J.

"Inchcock would end up in hospital for a month, Erskin would be in prison for a year and Lynton would have his testicles hanging on the Eiffel tower until they turned black" replied Skoob.

"No, I mean birds as in the Hitchcock film, there is a bird sanctuary in the park, if we could spray something on the Three Amigos that would make the birds attack, we will win hands down!"

"Great idea C.J. but where do we get the spray from?" asked Skoob.

"I have a mate who works in the university up the road we pay him a few quid and he mixes us a potion that will cause a lot of commotion" laughed C.J.

"Blimey" answered Skoob "You're turning into a poet as well as a homicidal maniac".

The two villains hailed a taxi and headed off in the direction of the University.

Clive Danton slid off the lawn mower and steadied himself before going to the trailer.

Monkey Woods sat up and looked around. "Did someone ask for cabin service?" he laughed.

"I hope my teeth have not bitten anyone on the leg" said Inchcock through clenched gums.

"The hair piece took off like a cat with a rocket up its bum!" smiled Erskin.

"My last bit of Stilton that was" said Lynton.

Clive appeared at the rear of the trailer. He was covered in grease and dirt and his hat was askew.
The seated passengers took one look at him and started to sing.

"Dat ole man ribber! Dat ole man ribber! He keep on a rollin…………………"

"Very funny, you bunch of hooligans, why did I agree to help you" asked Clive.

"You didn't agree Danton" answered Lynton. "We threatened to expose your nocturnal activates."

"Don't know how he has got away with it for so long" offered Erskin.

"I think the chief constable met him in a dark alley one night" said Inchcock.

"Can anyone join in then?" enquired Monkey.

"Please don't tell the Mayor of London" pleaded Clive.

"Give us a good reason Danton" smiled Erskin.

"I turned him down in favour of the chief constable!" laughed Clive.

The gang managed to remove Monkeys crash helmet with a bit of pushing and shoving. Clive went in search of the missing toupee and the wayward teeth, returning a short while later with both items.

"We need a mechanic" said Monkey.

"Where do we get one at this time of the day?" enquired Clive.

"Lurking behind that tree" answered Lynton.

Pinxit broke cover and walked over to men and machine. In his left hand he clutched a tool bag.

"What's that in your right hand Pinxit?" asked Erskin.

"A bottle of moonshine my cousin sent from the states" replied Pinxit.

"What you going to do with that?" laughed Inchcock.

"Put it in the fuel tank mate" smiled Pinxit.

"Why?" asked Clive.

"Want to win don't you?" replied Pinxit.

The engine cover was lifted and the mechanic went to work. There were loud cries and shouting.

"Do you think he is being eaten by the motor" said Lynton.

"His bum isn't its sticking out" replied Erskin.

"Is he certified?" asked Inchcock.

"He must be" smirked Clive "The poor lad is involved with you bunch of wayward"
Skoob and C.J, returned to the park. They made their way to the bird sanctuary and waited.

"What are we waiting for?" asked C.J.

"A common man to walk by" answered Skoob.

"We going on the game then?" replied C.J.

"No, I am going to try this spray out on a stranger to see what effect it has on the birds" said Skoob.

Back at Speakers corner, the engine in the lawn mower had been repaired. Monkey Wood pulled the sail down and put it back under the floor of the trailer. Pinxit poured the moonshine into the fuel tank and gave the mower a kick before turning the engine. There was a loud bang followed by a series of strange choking sounds before the motor throbbed into life. Inchcock, Lynton, Erskin, Clive and Monkey climbed aboard the trailer and strapped themselves in. Pinxit got behind the wheel of the mower, let out the clutch and shouted;" hold on to your testicles men" as the charabanc hurtled toward Lancaster Gate and the waiting villains, Skoob and C.J.

"Shall I break out a bottle of whiskey?" asked Erskin.

"Och aye the noo" answered Lynton.

"Aye aye paddy" smiled Inchcock.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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