Lynton, Erskin and Inchcock. The Race. Part Two

Written by armfeetandtoe

Tuesday, 6 March 2012


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image for Lynton, Erskin and Inchcock. The Race. Part Two
Monkey Woods checks to see if there is an engine

At ten minutes past nine, Skoob and C.J. were nowhere to be seen, they had hobbled off into the park.

Lynton, Erskin and Inchcock, made ready for the race, they ordered another cup of tea, and sent Clive to purchase some waterproof coats and hats. Clive began to doubt they would ever leave the tea kiosk.

On his return, Clive handed out the clothing and placed the tea cups on the table.

"Forgive me for asking, and I know you will find this rather outspoken" said Clive; "But when do you three silly sods intend to actually start racing?"

"When we have finished our tea and made sure none of us want the toilet" answered Lynton.

"Your very impatient for a man with a small hat and long arms" said Inchcock.

"Didn't drink enough milk when he was a nipper, classic sign of fidget arse" offered Erskin.

"In case you had forgotten, you have two hours to complete the task, and you have spent thirty minutes drinking tea, making me shop, and going on about long arms and milk" Clive replied.

"And your point is?" said Lynton.

"You are going to bloody lose if you don't get off your bums!" shouted Clive.

"Please, Mr Danton" said Erskin, raising a hand toward Clive "There is no need for raised voices or drama, we have the whole thing in hand, and will be leaving shortly, so stop worrying".

Clive was about to reply, but was interrupted by the arrival of Monkey Woods riding a large lawn mower with a trailer attached to its rear. The machine was painted bright red and had the words;
"The Three Amigos" painted in white on the side of the trailer.

"Hello men!" Cried Monkey "your carriage awaits you!"

"Thank you Mr Woods" said Inchcock "I knew you would not let us down".

"Absolute cracking carriage Monkey, did you bring the blankets?" asked Lynton.

"Of course" replied Monkey, as he opened the back of the trailer and beckoned the men to board.

Clive stood opened mouthed, as the three men shuffled onto the contraption and took their seats.

"Don't stand there like that Danton" said Erskin "It frightens the flies you know".

"Come on Clive!" shouted Inchcock "We have a race to win!"

Skoob and C.J. hid in the bushes near Speakers Corner, They were waiting for a policeman and an old lady to finish their conversation before springing into action.

"If she asks for anymore directions I'm going to give it to her" hissed Skoob.

"When she sees yours mate, you won't have to give it to her she will faint" whispered C.J.

The policeman and elderly lady moved on making way for the duo to emerge from the bushes.
Speakers Corner was quiet, only a few members of the public milled about giving Skoob and C.J the opportunity to set the first of many obstacles. With saw in hand, they chose the biggest tree that overhung the pathway and began to hack away at it.

"Am I doing this on my own Skoob?" panted C.J.

"No, I am just inflating my lungs to full capacity with this tipped cigarette" coughed Skoob.

"About time you gave them up isn't it me old mate" said C.J.

"Economy would go tits up without me C.J. I have had a letter from Mr Cameron" replied Skoob.

"A letter?" enquired C.J.

"Yes" said Skoob; "A letter pleading with me not to abandon the country by giving up smoking".

"Rubbish" cried C.J.

"I thought so too mate, Arm smokes more than I do" answered Skoob.
The two men sawed away until the sound of creaking timber made them step back.

"I think we have done it Skoob" said a startled C.J.

"Do you want to shout "Tiimmmbbeerr" before it falls, or shall I" laughed Skoob.

With that, the huge Elm tree crashed to the ground blocking the pathway and causing chaos.

Monkey Woods opened the throttle on the lawn mower and the machine began to move at an alarming speed. From the trailer, there came cries of panic, completely ignored by Monkey, who had donned a crash helmet with the words; "Too old to party too young to die".

"Has he been watching the Sweeny?" asked Lynton above the noise.

"Did he say he had been to the pub before picking us up?" shouted Inchcock.

"Are you going to open that bottle of Scotch before we die?" questioned Erskin.

"I will do it" answered Clive as he clung on for dear life.

The machine and its delicate cargo hurtled down the Park Lane side of Hyde Park toward Speakers Corner. Monkey, feeling a little less daring, applied the brake. The peddle flew off and hit a sleeping Squirrel, knocking it back into a deep repose, Monkey remained as calm as the situation would allow. He quickly scribbled a note on some scrap paper and threw it over his shoulder.

Inchcock was about to consume his second Whiskey when the glass filled with paper. He removed the offending cork, swallowed his drink, and opened the note. In a very calm voice he said.

"I renewed my life insurance policy last week, if I cop for an accident, the wife gets fifty grand".

"My secretary takes care of all that, I'm more than covered" replied Lynton.

"Wrote the cheque out three weeks ago, seventeen quid a month" moaned Erskin.

"Mine ran out about a month ago, been meaning to do renew it for weeks" answered Clive.

"That's a shame" said Inchcock as he handed the note to Clive. "Do you want to jump?"

Clive opened the note, it read," downhill all way no brakes help p.s. are you insured".

"Oh my god, I must do something!" shouted Clive Danton.

"Get yourself some life insurance" said Lynton as he downed a glass of Muga Aro.

"Will they be open this time of day?" enquired Erskin sipping Armagnac.

"There could be a passing insurance clerk on his way to the office, if you care to keep an eye out Danton he might write you up" smiled Inchcock, pouring a tumbler of Benromach 49.

"Are you lot mad? We have no brakes, the machine is out of control, we are trundling downhill at an alarming rate, and all you can do is carry on drinking" Cried Clive.

"Not very good in a crisis is he Inchcock" stated Lynton, placing a noggin of cheese on his biscuit.

"It's the mother's fault, too many late nights when she was carrying him" replied Inchcock.

"He's giving me indigestion with all that running about" sighed Erskin.

Monkey opened his eyes long enough to see the fallen tree lying across the path. The wind and rain made it impossible for him to steer and drink at the same time. "Something would have to be done"
He said to himself as the tree grew ever nearer.

"Did Monkey remember to fit the sail in case we had to cross water" enquired Erskin.

"Yes" said Lynton "That yellow handle raises the main sail the blue one puts up the spinnaker".

"Don't put up the spinnaker Erskin, our nuts will be in our throats mate" advised Inchcock.

"Here we go then" shouted Erskin "Brace yourselves!"

With that warning, Erskin pulled the yellow handle, there was a loud clap and the main sail deployed.
Monkey was jolted backwards into the trailer. Clive was thrown onto the bonnet of the Lawn mower. Lynton dropped his cheese cracker. Inchcock's front teeth shot out. And Erskin lost his toupee.
The machine slowed to a stop next to an elderly couple that had just opened their cheese sandwiches.

"Shame it's raining" said Erskin from under his umbrella.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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