Advice, Support, & Tips for Security Guards - from Inchcock - Part Four

Funny story written by Inchcock

Saturday, 7 April 2012


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The Right Honourable David [i]'The Ultimate Nepotist'[/i] Cameron

Copied from the author's 'Editors Comments Page', of his 'Inchcock Monthly Guards Gazette', Issue 139, published in April 2009. Amended to suit today's climate.

(When I say published, he produced it and ran off a few copies for his fellow Security Officers at the Company he worked at who made him redundant through no fault of his own at 62 years of age, and he was the only employee on the firm never to have taken a day off or been late in the nine years he was serving them, and averaged 75 hours a week over his last Christmas period... Just thought I'd mention this! Bitter? Me!)

The Puerility of the Rampant, Soul Destroying Atrabiliousness

The puerility of the rampant, soul destroying atrabiliousness, (Gloominess or moroseness, bad-temperedness or irritability) currently gaining a foothold throughout our once proud Politician ruined Country.

In particular, and to and in a far greater degree the security providing industry, indicates the massive ignominy lower order members of the same industry are suffering through the embarrassment of having to be within this much blighted, and undervalued industry, and as a result their noesis (the psychological result of perception and lack of learning and reasoning) causes them to eventually realise their inability and incapability to do anything about it.

Albeit unknowingly - through the lack of education, willpower, and idleness, or the obviously dedicated industry related illness, ergophobia (Fear of work).

The very nature of our industry, has always managed so well to imbue, almost encourage, although usually unintentionally, situational comments of a deprecatory, derogatory, hypercritical, disparaging, accusatory, bellyaching and of an adolescent nature.

The rare occasions when one comes across any cachinnatory (loud or immoderate laughter) within our industry, is usually due to someone's downfall, death, accident, divorce, serious injury, or a situation manipulated in the hope of a piss-taking session being created.

A case of misdirected energy expenditure, as they urge their limited brainpower into excessive usage in their quest to satisfy their need, that at times is stronger than their desire for air and food, to humiliate, degrade, demean, and plain make a fool of some poor usually desperately frustrated and already suicidal soul who is naturally easy pickings.

Instead of directing their somewhat minimal brain-power into and towards actually recognising, let alone correcting the many faults that have become rife within our industry.

Then again, having seen the performance of the SIA farce being perpetrated by £200,000 plus a year salaried peoples who know nothing of running a small security providing company, and the so called Prime 'Cut-backs driven' Minister The Right Honourable David 'The Ultimate Nepotist' Cameron, and his other fiddling ministers and members of the 'Governments 'Grotty' Cabinet, who can blame them?

Now, with as I say, the SIA and the Government inspired panic stations within our industry (And dying, European controlled Country), the financially desperate meanderings of the banks and Government, unemployment due to reach 4 million by the end of the year, Reliance laying off security guards, global warming, heavy snow falls, the increase in speed cameras, burglaries up 14% in Nottingham, Knife crime up 9%, Gun crime up 11%, murders up 4%, food prices spiralling up, early released scumbag prisoners re-offending up 33%, house repossessions up 29%, and the Outer Peruvian Gungo bean crop being down by 1.02%, and you'd be forgiven for feeling low and depressed, let alone feeling low and depressed and working in the security industry as well!

All is not gloom though! On the bright side: Water Hemlock Cicuta maculata is free if you know where it grows wild, and deadly!

The Water Hemlocks are the most poisonous deadly plants. (Currently growing in Georges abandoned field just over the toll bridge in Wilford, third iron fence section from the end of the brickwork, left into the field, and 8 yards down the path you'll see an old drain cover on your right, lift wearing gloves, and you'll find it there.).

Remember all parts are deadly poisonous.

Even a small mouthful can kill an adult.

It is so virulently poisonous that it is best to avoid handling it at all, the merest touch can be fatal.

Do not rely solely on this page for identifying these plants.

Consult field guides for more detailed information.

Send it to:
The Right Honourable David Cameron.
Prime Minister, First Lord of the Treasury and Minister for the Civil Service.
10 Downing Street

Only joking!

Honestly!.... Well...

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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