Advice, Support, & Tips for Security Guards - from Inchcock - Part One

Funny story written by Inchcock

Monday, 12 March 2012

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The Controller who replaced Inchcock

Copied from the author's first and Editors Comments page, of his 'Inchcock Monthly Guards Gazette', Issue 147, published on October 2009.

(When I say published, he produced it and ran off a few copies for his fellow Security Officers at the Company he worked at who made him redundant through no fault of his own at 62 years of age, and he was the only employee on the firm never to have taken a day off or been late in the nine years he was serving them, and averaged 75 hours a week over his last Christmas period... just thought I'd mention this! Bitter? Me!)

Your misjudged, underrated, chronically decrepit, sensitive, senile, editor Inchcock offers his unwanted, daedal yet simplistic, uneducated, antediluvian, antiquated, obsolescent, dowdy, fusty, vintage views on life (and living death) within the Security Industry, the World, and the Universe for your perusal, delectation, amusement, verbal espi├Ęglerie and ridicule.

How The World Began

This question has discombobulated the human race for all time. Now, here at last, in your Guards Gazette, the truth can be revealed. How and why? Because the editor Inchcock Chambers, visited the Magahari of Bradford, and sold his soul to learn the real truth of our beginnings. Here it is:

To try and get a representation of the actual size of out earth in relation to 'The Whole', imagine a grain of sand, cut up into a thousand pieces, then take one piece, and grind it into another ten thousand pieces, then chop one of these pieces in half, and compare it to the size of our earth - the difference is same as 'earth' is to the entire galaxy of universes, compared to 'The Whole'.

So now you are apperceptive to this, it will help you comprehend, interpret, and assimilate with the following disseminational revelations.

Firstly, there was never a beginning as we understand the word - grasp this, and hold onto it throughout.

The actual instigators of space dust forming planets, were originally not Gods or people, or creatures - but emotions, or consciences, each with their own ethos, attributes, disposition, genius, humour, kindness, makeup, mettle, moods, morals, mystique, nature, personality, repute and singularity.

As they played together, they learnt how to create life, but could not create it for themselves.

Slowly they created universe after universe, eventually getting around to the creation of our own universe.

After getting so little satisfaction from their earlier creations, they combined all their skills together, and decided that one planet will be given the seed of life.

And so it was - and they stopped creating new universes, and playing together - as the life they had placed on Earth was so interesting to them, who wished they could be living too, that they gradually introduced their own emotions to the world.

And then sat back and watched the animals they had made mutate, and the human race develop and grew - a most amazing sight to these logical creators!

Another thing they could not do, because of their very essence, was to take or stop life, and soon they realised that humans could do this, it caused much resentment, wrath, jealousy, and enviousness, that these creatures that they had been the genesis to, were capable of hatred, violence, and bitterness beyond the levels of their own creators.

However, to further the experiment of Earth, the clever creators realised a way to encourage the humans to use their hatred, evil, and nasty ways beyond what they had already done - and that was to part the lands, and put seas between them.

This in effect was the beginning of different races on our planet, and it worked a treat.

Although happy to watch and try to learn from the human's violence, one creator (brother noxious) spread different beliefs and faiths amongst the battling humans, to help fire more violence, injustice, murderousness, hatred, destructiveness greed, nepotism, avarice, savagery, vehemence, riotous, tumultuary, physical and mental abuse, bigotry, spite, perturbation, and unhappiness.

But one creator (brother patience) stopped him from deploying all but the parting of the lands - and the human race developed using all of the above qualitites in everyday life without the creators help.

This caused a creator (brother jealousy) to stop a massive meteor hitting the earth in 1969, so that he could watch the humans destroy themselves and the planet in their own time, and then perhaps he and the other creators could learn how to kill!

Soon, the creators saw the creation of Politicians and the security industry, and they wept for their unfortunate humans.

Some of you may wonder how the editor managed to get the Magahari of Bradford to disclose these forbidden facts?

Well, he offered him a free curry and 20 Rothman's king size.

"Shortly after this was printed in the Guards Gazette, that the men in white coats began taking an interest in Inchcock!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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