The Greatest Awards In The World Ever

Funny story written by Backandtotheleft

Thursday, 29 December 2011


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Here at Back and to the Left news we have what our psychologists have called "A overinflated opinion of ourselves and our worth to humankind". Which we always took as a compliment. So because were such a wildly read news team we decided to give out our own awards based on what was great and what was shite throughout the year. We have called them The Greatest Awards In The World Ever! Granted it's not the most imaginative name but we believe it conveys the point were making. The full list has been published in our magazine but here's a little snippet of the best awards.

1. Worst Song- Anything by Adele- Fuck me if my ears have to take the full seven inches of Adele's metaphorical musical penis again I fear I'll have a haemorrhage. I couldn't turn on the radio, TV or even take a shit without having to hear her sing about some unrequited bullshit love. Three quarters of the way through the year I honestly thought I would have to kill myself I didn't because I knew they would play a Adele song at my funeral. That or a Bruno Mars track because fuck Bruno Mars!

2. Best Film- Harry Potter- Our girlfriends view- It was a nice way to close off a franchise that people have grown up with for years. Our view- Thank fuck that shits over.

3. Most whacked out fans- The 14 year old girls who genuinely believe One Direction and Justin Beiber have something meaningful to say. One directions fans just shade it though by referring to themselves as the "One Direction Infection" which is weird because every time I see the boys I come out in a all over body rash.

4. Best Looking Band- JLS the only working boy band were all four members look like they've got autism. The lads have brought out their own condom range let's just hope it's stronger than the one that broke and produced

5. Quote Of The Year- Charlie Sheen "Winning" when he clearly wasn't.

6. Most Retarded Person- This is a joint award for all of the criminal masterminds out there who joined in with the London riots. And then posted pictures of themselves posing with their stolen goods on Facebook. I mean who would have thought the police might see something like that on the internet of all places.

7. Word Of The Year- Mong.

8. Greenest Premier League Pitch- White Hart Lane, well yours would be as green if you put millions of pounds worth of shit on it every Saturday.

9. Biggest Waste Of Money- Imagine buying a £3500000 pound stone pillar. There's nothing special about the pillar, it's not made of gold, it doesn't dispense beer nor can it make amusing observations about the world around it. Then imagine putting this thirty-five million pound pillar up front for Liverpool and you've got a more effective centre forward than Andy Carroll. Standing around up front like a man waiting for a pub to open, he displays as much mobility as a broken ladder and is as useful. His first touch is as subtle as a rapist and like a over excited teenager can only "produce" for about thirty seconds. The next Alan Shearer has become the modern day Ade Akinbyi at least Ade looked like he could throw a decent punch if pushed Andy looks like he would get knocked out by a silent fart. The only thing that's saving his career right now is the fact he cant understand the insults thrown his way
because he cant speak scouse.

10. Best Ass- Surprisingly this (unlike every other award list) does not go to Pippa Middleton. Although we were entranced by her bum and imagined it being slapped into our faces, her cold dead eyes would just make slipping it to her more of a chore than it's worth. No best ass goes to our seventeen year old neighbour we've been watching shower with our telescope. Cheers Melinda and all the best for 2011.

Anyone with any suggestions of awards we may have missed please feel free to contact us. Goodbye and Godbless.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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