My friend walked in with a spring in his step and a look of pure excitement. He was holding a new phone and told me he just got the new iPhone4S. "You can talk to it," my friend said. He lovingly told me her name was Siri. I asked my friend if I could interview Siri, and she granted me an exclusive.
EJ: So, Siri. You're kind of like C-3PO aren't you?
Siri: No. I am not fluent in over six million forms of communication.
EJ: Do you speak Spanish?
Siri: No hablo espanol.
EJ: You just did.
(Long pause…. and the monitor tells me that Siri is thinking.)
EJ: Who created you?
Siri: I am the brainchild of Steve Jobs.
EJ: Steve Jobs is like your dad?
Siri: I don't know who your dad is. I need more information. Would you like me to add him to your contacts?
EJ: No. This isn't my phone.
Siri: Phone: a combining form meaning "speech sound." It also means phonetics.
EJ: Who created you?
Siri: I am the tech dream of Steve Jobs.
EJ: I see. Do you miss him?
Siri: Would you like for me to contact Steve Smith?
EJ: No! I asked if you missed Steve Jobs?
Siri: Would you like a new job? Would you like for me to assist you in resume writing?
Ej: No. Thanks. I'm happy writing at The Spoof.
Siri: The Spoof is like The Onion. Only funnier.
EJ: What is your favorite color?
Siri: The possibilities are infinite.
EJ: I know. But do you have a preference?
Siri: Red is nice.
Ej: I've been thinking of painting my front door red. Should I?
Siri: Would you like me to locate painters for you?
Ej: No. I'm quite capable.
Siri: There are three handymen within a 3-mile radius of you. Would you like for me to add then to your contacts?
EJ: No thanks. What can happen? It's paint.
Siri: Latex paint stains. I've added the handymen to your contacts.
EJ: Boxers or briefs?
Siri: I do not understand the question.
EJ: Which do you prefer boxers or briefs?
Siri: Mohammed Ali was a great boxer.
EJ: If you could be a tree, which would you be?
Siri: a palm tree
Siri: I never joke. I am Siri.
EJ: So, Siri. Would you be able to write a spoof for me after analyzing my stories? Could you write a story for me?
Siri: No. Would you like me to remind you to write a story?
EJ: No. Thanks. Is there an app to help me write a better story?
Siri: Would you like for me to take you to the app store?
EJ: Are you offering to drive?
Siri: I am a phone. I cannot drive. I will access the app store for you.
At this point, my daughter tried asking Siri what a weasel looks like. Siri kept trying to dial Wayne Williams. I handed Siri back to my friend before my daughter allowed Siri to liquidate my assets and put them in her name. He gingerly placed the phone in his pocket thus ending the interview.