Essential Alternative Sites of interest for Visitors to Nottingham!

Funny story written by Inchcock

Tuesday, 1 November 2011


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Most visitors know about Nottingham Forest, thanks to the Brian Clough era.

The independent 'Nottingham Attraction Foundation Fellowship' (NAFF), have published a free handbook/guide for tourists visiting Nottingham.

The two page booklet will available through Big Issue sellers, traffic wardens, Job Centre Plus Offices, also the little fat bald limping man with glasses and hearing aids, and a spotty face due to his constant Impetigo, outside the railway station on alternate Wednesdays between 0600hrs and 1000hrs.

Andy Tover, (39) ex-mugger, NAFF spokesman, and unemployed wicker-bottom chair repairer said; We felt there was a need for this publication. Visitors know of Nottingham Forest, Robin Hood, the Castle, the Caves etc. They can miss out on so many other interesting facts and facets without the aid of our guide.

Attractions listed:

See the Fire Bombed Police Stations
All of the fourteen police station attacked during the 2011 riots are listed, with direction of how to get to the ten left in service, that have not been closed down after the riots.

Sites of unsolved murders:

Unknown Woman beheaded and body cut up
1892; Walk the length of canal side where the body of an unknown woman was found beheaded and cut up.
Underneath the Carrington Street Bridge over the canal, down to the bank, turn right, walk past the sleeping down and outs on your right (do not attempt to go any further if any of them are awake") under the bridge and near the graffitti of a horned donkey on the right wall, is where the body was discovered.

Landlord of The Fox & Grapes Murder
Sept 1963; George Wilson and his wife Betty poured themselves a quiet winding-down drink together. After that George took his pub dog Blackie, a rough-haired mongrel, for a walk. He never came back.
Walk down Manvers Street, with the bus depot on your left, and the bookmakers that suffered an armed raid last month on your right, and the old building of The Fox & Grapes is still there facing you, nestled in the closed down, abandoned market stalls around it.

The Suspension Bridge Murder
August 1965; School Inspector Horace Grimshaw (55)was found underneath the bridge on the steps of the river Trent, with a trowel in his neck.
Through the Rock Gardens, past the vandalised snack bar, over the road to the bridge. (Warning; Do not feed the swans or ducks, there is a £90 instant fine for doing so.)

Lucy Tinslop Murder
August 1969; St Mary's Rest Garden on Bath Street, Nottingham. Became known locally as the 'Birthday Girl Murder' as it took place on the victim's 21st birthday. She left home after a birthday party at her parents house. Screams were heard coming from the rest garden. Lucy's body was found strangled. She had been raped and her killer had ripped her abdomen open and stabbed her vagina over 20 times.
The Bath Street Gardens are still in use today. Enter through the top gate, past the memorial plaque for the two men murdered in a 1968 mugging, turn left, behind the statue of William Booth with its arm broken off, you will see the closed down public toilets, that is where this murder took place.

View the Upper Parliament Street, and Station Street Job Centre Plus Attendees Gatherings
Not a sight to be missed for any foreign visitors. (However, it is recommended that viewing takes place from across the other side of the road from the centre, in the interests of your own safety)
At both centres, you can see the unemployed in their designer trainer shoes, as they stare intimidatingly at passers by, while smoking roll-ups and drinking strong lager, casually leant up against anything handy, and spitting on the pavement, as they await their time for signing on. (Caution: At times the sheer volume of bodies can make it impossible for people tp walk past them without stepping into the traffic on the road)
Upper Parliament Street Centre. From the City Centre Slab Square, taking care not to tread on any protesters, walk up King Street passing the closed down photographers shop on your right, past the three Temporary Work Agencies on your left, to the top and and turn left for the Upper Parliament Street Centre on your left.

Station Street Centre. From the City Centre Slab Square, taking care not to tread on any protesters, turn left at the closed down Virgin record store, carry on down past the Big Issue sellers and street musicians, and the closed down shoe shop on your left, enter the Broad Marsh shopping centre, past the closed down Pound Shop, and out of the other end. Cross the road past the closed down Indian Restaurant on you right, cross the road passing the closed down furniture shop, and three charity shops on your left, turn right into Station Street at the closed down Griffin Hotel, the centre will be the building with a mass of threatening, depressed, scowling faces stood outside.

*Editors note:
Often, tourists are put off from coming to visit Nottingham, due to the reports in the press about it having the second highest rate of gun crime and violence to the person in the Country.

I can assure you that it is not that bad here, I'm only been mugged three times in two years, had my home broken into three times in 28 years, had my garage broken into twice, had my car stolen eight times (different vehicles), my car damaged eleven times, attacked at work as a security officer twelve times, been made redundant four times, and ran over twice.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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