£740 million expansion plans by the Two Nottingham Malls - With Citizen's Views

Funny story written by Inchcock

Saturday, 29 October 2011


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In the middle of this depression, and with the highest levels ever known of unemployed in Nottingham, the two owners of Nottingham's shopping centres plan to expand!

Victoria Shopping Centre - Nottingham

Management Comment: We believe it is a good time to invest in the Victoria Centre and Nottingham.

Their proposals:

* An additional 500,000sq feet extension.

* £240+ million investment in Nottingham's future

* A new Department Store

* 50 new shops

* A new 10 screen state of the art cinema

* New family restaurants alongside the cinema

* New replacement underground car parking

* A new bus station on York Street

* Public realm improvements

* Over 100 new cycle parking stands

Broad Marsh Shopping Centre - Nottingham

Management Comment: The Broadmarsh plans will almost triple the size of the shopping centre from 400,000 sq ft to 1.1m sq ft and create around 5,000 permanent jobs. Work is expected to start next year and be completed by 2015.

Their proposals:

* Closing off Collin Street and extending the shopping centre south to Canal Street

* New Marks and Spencer and Debenhams stores to draw in shoppers, as well as a Harvey Nichols

* Moving the bus station and car park to a site south of Cliff Road

* 2,700 car parking spaces.

Currently there are 40% of the High Street retail shops within a streets distance of the Victoria Centre, already closed down!

Currently there are 43% of the High Street retail shops within a streets distance of the Broad Marsh Centre, already closed down!

Let's look at the performance and prospects of a few of the big name High Street Stores:

Thornton's have made 1100 staff redundant in an effort to survive!

Carpet Right report a 70% drop in profits!

HMV report a £40 million loss, start closure programme!

B Dalton bookseller - closed down!

Mothercare are closing a third of their stores in an effort to survive!

Alexon the fashion chain, went into pre-pack administration!

Auto Windscreens, the UK's second-largest windscreen replacement company, has deceased!

JJB Sports, 90 stores closed, struggling!

Comet recently announced extensive job losses in an effort to survive!

Dixons, Curry's PC World all making closures and cutbacks in an effort to survive!

One in five shops in Manchester, Nottingham, Hull and Sheffield has closed its doors!

It would be interesting to see which of the millionaire politician's hold shares in the two companies?

Our reporter Mel O'Drarmer, interviewed some of the Nottingham shoppers about their views on this seemingly necessary expensive expansion:

The responses were;
Mr Bud Light (18) Unemployed alcoholic, Nottingham;
"Yer... good innit, hic?"

Mal Adjusted (39) Unemployed ex Gas-light wick trimmer, Basford, Nottingham;
"Dunt mek no differunce to me mi duck, Us long us I cun get me ale somewhere (belch), will there be ena cheap booze shops in it? (Passes wind) Tara chuck!"

Noah Count (62) Unemployed ex Wicker bottom chair repairer, Carrington, Nottingham;

Anne Tenor (23) TV Arial Fitter, Nottingham;
"It sounds like it should help the unemployment in Nottingham, but of course there have been three time that amount of people who might get employment in the new complex's, made redundant this year alone in Nottingham. Still it should help the Big Issue sellers, beggars, and the rich to make more!"

Annie Versery (41) Retail Card shop manager, Clifton, Nottingham;
"If the money is not distributed with some element of equality through aphnology, the future actually looks darker that it is today, for the proletariat masses, but very bright for the celeberrimous!"

Gene Pool (33) Unemployed toilet Peeper, of No permanent address.
"Yer, good, will there be any sex shops in um?"

Ben Dover (age withheld) Perfumery Tester, Nottingham;
"Mmm, well dear, it will give me more choice to get me presents at Christmas for Willie Hague, Julian and Damien!"

Bill Dersyard (56) Unemployed bricklayer, Arnold, Nottingham;
"It not be of any use to anyone on my street, 'ow we s'posed to find any munny to spend it um? Oh, sorry, forgot abart the bloke at number 34, he ain't been made redundant yet!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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