Dear Editor,
I must admit to becoming vaguely disturbed by a recent trend in your esteemed publication - that of the blatant self-publicising cadre of crap writers, who appear to be allowed to shamelessly promote their, quite frankly, shitty product without fear of censure. I found myself misled by this relentless barrage of propoganda, and ordered the book from Amazon. 'The Dorking Review' was duly delivered by the postman, and what a fucking let down it proved to be. It's just a crappy selection of disconnected vignettes penned by an obviously deluded bunch of halfwits who kid themselves that they are 'proper' writers. What a criminal fucking waste.
Herman Munster
Hollywood.
*****
Dear Sir,
I whole heartedly agree with Mr Munster's comments. Having purchased a copy of said publication (The Dorking Review - Ed), I can only endorse what my esteemed colleague has already said. Quite frankly, the book is a pile of dung. Whoever agreed to publish this nonsensical drivel ought to be brought to book (No pun intended) because the initial print run caused an area of Amazonian rain forest the size of Wales, to be obliterated from the surface of the earth. Forever. I used my copy to wipe my arse on when I'd been for a number two. That's all it's fit for.
Uncle Fester
Hollywood.
*****
Dear Ed,
I have to agree with the previous two letters. I was eagerly anticipating a blockbuster of a read, packed with hilarious jokes about the President's birth certificate, Anthony Weiner's weiner, and a glut of salacious celebrity vagina/penis/tampon stories. Imagine my disappointment when I found that 'The Dorking Review' contained a pack of distinctly unfunny Limey drivel about car boot sales, a man walking a snake, a review of potatoes, a review of a sewage treatment plant, and an interview with a vampire. What is it with these pretentious Limey assholes? Do they think they're too good to write about cocks and teen-idol pussy? Each to his own I say, but if we were to publish a book of Weiner/Tiger Woods/Penis/Vagina/anti-muslim rants and letters from clearly demented women, our sales figures would dwarf those of 'The Dorking Review.' We give the public what they want. Check out the numbers if you don't believe me. As I type this with my left hand, I am sitting naked at my PC, cradling my testicles in my right hand. With a box of Kleenex right by the keyboard. Isn't that how everybody does it?
Gomez Addams,
Sacramento.
*****
Dear Sir,
Just to say what a con this so-called book, 'The Dorking Review' is. It isn't a proper book at all. These people paid to have it printed, so it doesn't count. If it had been a proper book, then surely I would have been approached to contribute. The people involved in this pile of shit are all in it together, and furthermore, they are planning to take over the world by spreading their vile religion of pretentious pap over the internet. My goodness! There aren't even any 'Justin Bieber Has Another Wank' stories in it! Or stories about giant eight-coiler turds. Well, I for one am not fooled for a moment. So I will not comment about this so-called publication at all. It only encourages them. They were a bunch of arrogant, know it all, dickheads to begin with. It won't be too long before they disappear up their own arseholes. Mark my words.
Sadie Muffdiver,
Port Calais, Contrario.
*****
Dear Sir,
It seems that everybody hates 'The Dorking Review' for one reason or another, which is fair enough, I suppose, but for once I'd like to take sides with my dickhead of a husband, who contributed to the venture. He told me some time ago that he was getting sick and tired of writing stories about celebrities, and stories with outrageous headlines chock full of sexual innuendo, so he was just going to start doing his own thing. He seems far happier these days, writing his drivel. He just pops his pork pie hat on and away he goes. He says that these days he can't be arsed with all that point grabbing nonsense and the inevitable spats on website fora. I've never seen him so contented about his writing, and when his copy of 'The Dorking Review' was delivered, his little face lit up. I'm glad he tried something a little different from the norm - and 'The Dorking Review' seems to vindicate his writing decisions. He's so pleased that he and his chums have a real book out there. I'd be proper proud of the old buffoon if he wasn't such an insufferable beer swilling cock end.
Anne Shuttlecock,
Titchfield.
*****
Dear Sir,
I feel obliged to take issue with Gomez Addams of Sacramento. The man's a cunt.
Fred Bundy,
Edgeware.
*****
Dear Sir,
I may well be in the minority here, but I thoroughly enjoyed 'The Dorking Review.' I found the whimsical articles contained therein to be a constant source of rib-tickling amusement, the writing fresh, witty, and obviously passionate. To be perfectly honest, I couldn't fault this book in any way. But then I would say that, because I edited it.
Gary Moore (Not the dead one out of Thin Lizzy)
Lost In France with Bonnie Tyler.
*****
Dear Sir,
One of the contributors to 'The Dorking Review' is a mate of mine, and he gave me a copy for nowt. (I would never have bought it because I'm as tight as a camel's arse in a sandstorm.) Anyway, I keep a copy in the downstairs toilet, and it's nice to see people emerge from within wearing beaming smiles when they've just had a really big shit. Priceless!
Keith Thresh,
Padiham.
*****
Dear Sir,
Who does Fred Bundy of Edgeware think he is? And where does he get off calling Gomez Addams of Sacramento a 'cunt'? That's just fucking rude and totally uncalled for. If Mr Addams thinks that 'The Dorking Review' is a bag of shit, surely that's his business? This Fred Bundy ought to keep his fucking snout out. Anyway, I know - but they don't know that I know, but I do - that Fred Bundy is yet another one of Anne Shuttlecock's multiplicity of internet aliases. Don't your readers get it yet? Anne Shuttlecock is fooling with your heads. It's all one great big mind-fuck.
Sadie Muffdiver,
Port Calais, Contrario.
*****
Dear Editor
Leave my wife out of this.
Martin Shuttlecock
Titchfield.
*****
Dear Sir,
I agree with the Shuttlecock chap.
Skoob1999
Titchfield
******
Dear Sir,
I bought 'The Dorking Review' last week in Waterfall's book shop. I thought it was okay. Not as good as 'Silence Of The Lambs' but a lot better than 'The DaVinci Code.' You can't say fairer than that.
Eric Leatherface,
Dorking.
*****
Dear Sir,
I agree with Shuttlecock too!
Reddon.
Titchfield
*****
Dear Editor,
Hear hear! I bought my copy of 'The Dorking Review' it's a bargain. It made me chuckle out loud at times, even though I didn't understand a word of it!
Harold Worth.
Titchfield
