The Robot Teamaker

Funny story written by MonkeyInTheBath

Thursday, 28 July 2011


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One lump or two

Professor Robert De Bild likes robots - a lot! So much so that he has twice been arrested for having sex with the robots he creates. But he has managed to control his lust for long enough to build a robot which recently won the International Robotic Tea-making Contest in Tokyo, Japan.

He explained, "It is one of the greatest challenges of modern robotics to build a robot which can make a cup of tea. The robot has to be able to boil the kettle, pour out the tea without dropping the cup, and provide milk or sugar if requested. All this has to be carefully programmed and crafted. I also like to make my robots aesthetically pleasing, hahahahaha."

Professor De Bild's winning robot, who he calls Téa, is a humanoid robot with a slender waist and fulsome breasts and buttocks. She has a teapot for a left hand but her right hand is like a human hand which can do "anything a human hand can do," De Bild says saucily.

Milk is dispensed through the left nipple and sugar through the right. The robot can speak 7 languages and its voice is made from recordings of Professor De Bild speaking in falsetto.

Altogether the android is a quite disturbing creation, right down to its real but multicoloured hair (made from the clippings of various prostitutes), it does make a splendid cup of tea. I met Professor De Bile to try it out.

When I met him, he looked a bit dishevelled and half of his moustache was burnt. He said that this is because he is also working on another robot which can dispense a cigarette and light it up for you, but there are some development hurdles to overcome first.

He showed me Téa and handed her a cup, then beckoned me to ask her something.

"Téa, some tea please," I asked. "Milk, no sugar."

She began whirring.

"Would you like a ... biscuit?" she cooed


After a few seconds there was a click. Her internal kettle had boiled. She poured out the tea then topped it up with milk from her nipple.

I tasted it, and I can honestly say it was the most delicious cup of tea I have ever had from a robot.

"Would you like a ... happy finish?"

I declined, but De Bild said hopes to sell billions of tea-making robots over the next few years, "if only he can find enough lactating midgets to work inside them."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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