Written by Thomas S. Guisto

Friday, 15 July 2011

image for The Weiner Diaries
A Shave and a Body Wax

After Representative Anthony Weiner resigned from Congress a cleaning crew was sent to his office to prepare it for another occupant. One of the cleaners found Mr. Weiner's diaries from 1998 to present. The following are excerpts from the Congressman's diaries:

June 11, 1998 - Decided to run for Congress, must find way to relate to the younger voters!

January 3, 1999 - First day in Congress, went to gym - love the mirrors!

January 10, 1999 - Sent my first Congressional e-mail, the Internet should be a big help in my political career and connect with younger voters!

February 11, 1999 - Exercised again at the gym this morning - looking buff! Wonder how I would look after a shave and a body wax?

May 11, 2003 - This morning I bought a cell phone with built-in camera, cool!

June 16, 2008 - Joined Facebook, looking forward to making many friends!

April 11, 2009 - Joined Tweeter today - now I can tweet my friends on Facebook!

October 22. 2009 - George Will used the word "Certitude" today. Note to self - must find way to use it!

June 21, 2010 - Got married to Huma, the most wonderful girl in the world - I don't deserve her!

May 10, 2011 - Bought new briefs today - I look great, must take picture. Should send it to that cute coed in Washington State!

May 11, 2011 - Oops! Sent picture to coed, but not sure how secure. Deleted it and posted on Facebook that I was hacked. That should cover me!

May 28, 2011 - Andrew Breitart posted my picture on his Web site. How did he know I followed Washington coed on Tweeter?

May 29, 2011 - Had my office issue a statement that I was "obviously hacked" and that this is just a distraction perpetrated by a hacker. This statement should end the matter!

May 31, 2011 - Mob of media types met me at Capitol office, told them that I wasn't going to talk about this anymore - do not want to respond to one heckler while thousands are interested in the conversation that I care about. I'm sure that they bought my spin!

June 1, 2011 - Silence did not work; today I did round of network and cable TV interviews. Admitted that I cannot say "with certitude" (finally got to use that word!) that the photo of the man in the briefs was not me. That should end it!

June 5, 2011 - Too many Weiner jokes on TV, the Internet, and in newspapers. Must admit wrongdoing, but not violation of any laws. I have to inform wife and party leaders.

June 6, 2011 Called Huma to apologize - she said that she was very disappointed.

Called Nancy Pelosi to apologize - she said that she was very disappointed

Called Bill Clinton to apologize - he said that the college student is hottttt!

After the phone calls held press conference to admit wrongdoing with 6 women over 3 years. Used a lot of tears, I'm sure people will forgive me!

June 8, 2011 - Oops, X rated picture of me surfaces on the Web, can't be good! Huma is pregnant goes public.

June 11, 2011 - Held press conference to announce that I'm taking a temporary leave of absence and will be seeking treatment. There must be a rehab center for politicians who send pictures of their crotches to coeds.

June 13, 2011 - My good friend Obama said, "If it was me, I would resign." How can I spin that???

June 15, 2011 - My FB friend Ginger Lee, a former porn actress, holds a news conference to admit that we exchanged over 100 e-mails. She also states that I asked her to lie. Did not realize that she was a former porn star!

June 16, 2011 - Resigned today from Congress. Maybe CNN is hiring!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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