Written by MonkeyInTheBath

Thursday, 14 July 2011

image for David Cameron's "My Chums At Eton"
Read my jolly good book

Here is an extract from David Cameron's book "My Chums At Eton", which describes his time at the famous public school.

"What ho! It's me, your chum and Prime Minister. I've removed my top hat, loosened my braces, and asked my butler to leave me in peace for a while so I can get down to writing a spiffing whizz-bang story about all the japes I got up to in my schooldays. I bet you can't wait to read it!"

"Are you ready, chaps and chapettes? Of course there weren't any chapettes at Eton, which was a jolly shame. Sometimes we would make Bongo wear a dress but that was about as close as it got."

"So, let me introduce you to my chums. There was Georgie, who is now my Chancellor. He does a jolly good job of counting up how much money the country has. It helps that his parents were rich, so he's used to all that dosh."

"Then there was Bojo. He's now Mayor of London. Damn fine chap, I'm sure you've seen him, he used to be jolly funny on the telly on that news quiz."

"There was also Hughie, Charlie, Freddie, Timothy, Julian, Bingo, Bongo, Bungo, Cuthbert, Smiffy and McVities. We called McVities that because he kept losing at the biscuit game. We suspect he secretly enjoyed it though."

"My fag was Roger. No, I'm not gay, in case you're jolly well wondering what a fag is. At Eton, a fag is an older boy who looks after you and helps show you the ropes. In turn he will expect you to serve him in any way he desires, up to and including buggery. But not in a homosexual way. This is good old-fashioned British public school buggery, the type that built us a jolly good empire. There's absolutely nothing homosexual about buggery at Eton."

"There was also the famous Eton wall game. What a lark that was! The wall game is a jolly good sport, a bit like rugger but without a ball and where all the players have to stand very close together against a wall. The winner is decided in the same way as the biscuit game."

"Really, it was a lot like Hogwarts, but without the owls."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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