Nostradamus predicted the end of the News of the World

Written by Bill Licks

Sunday, 10 July 2011


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It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel like a predictable caption

He hasn't yet correctly predicted the end of the world, but Nostradamus did manage to predict the end of Britain's biggest selling tabloid, the News of the World.

This is the shock news revealed today by Britain's leading psychic and astrologer Russell Grant who has spent his whole life studying the writings of the 16th century French prophet.

'It was one of his lesser known prophecies' said Grant. 'He wrote about it during the period of his life when he was partaking in the delights of the Parisian nightlife and was nearly always pissed or hungover.'

'Therefore most of what he wrote at this time was just a series of boasts about how he predicted he would be clambering aboard some buxom wench he'd just clapped his eyes on by the end of the night.'

'But he was also obsessed with the celebrity lifestyle in this period so made some startling predictions about the fate of some 21st century celebrities and the publications they appeared in.'

'For example he predicted the outcome of Cheryl Cole's attempts to make it in the States.'

'The Cole will rise but the Cole will fall' he wrote in 1642 'But the Cowell will rise and the music charts will be a never-ending river of steaming turds.'

'And he was pretty accurate with regards to the shenanigans of the flying Welsh winger Ryan Giggs'

'The lefty from the valleys will enter his brother's kingdom and the mighty super injunction will fall at the hands of some bored people who spend their days communicating shite to each other over the devil's web.'

'But his prediction about the demise of the News of the World is so spot on it is almost frightening.'

'He wrote'

'July 10th 2011 will be the end of the world..... again if it hasn't ended like I predicted it would yesterday and the day before and..... But this time it'll be different because man will turn to the Mirror and look at the People and some will even be cursed by the gorgon Liz Jones when they read her self pitying, shit curdling rants in the Mail on Sunday instead.'

However Grant revealed that not all of Nostradamus' predictions about today's stars were correct.

'He was convinced that Pippa Middleton's arse would resemble a sack of turnips and Wayne Rooney would get his weave done at the Belgravia hair loss clinic whereas he went to the exclusive Queen Anne Street medical centre instead.'

'And worst of all he claimed that Lady Gaga would make it into the Guiness Book of World Records for having the largest penis ever.'

'How ridiculous is that? I'd say it's only 9 inches maximum judging by the bulge in her panties'

'And I've studied enough bulges in my lifetime I can tell you.'

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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