Parents who experience the relief of their children gaining university or college places far away after many years of putting up with them at home are sometimes driven to despair, especially when sonny boy (or girl) decides to visit mum or dad at home during the semester holidays or weekends.
Parents normally attempt to avoid the visit by boarding up their front windows, doors and porches acting as if Hurricane Ernie was about to visit.
Others flee the country, abandon their well earned belongings and start an alternative life-style in a tent on the Outer Hebrides!
Anything to avoid their darling student fledglings entering the house because parents know what being a student is, was and will always be, a fucking disaster as far as manners, hygiene, cleaning up behind them, eating with their bare hands (it's cool), dirty washing, money hand-outs and "can I borrow Dad's polished, shiny Merc for a quick spin with my student friends? (Dad just fainted because Mum said yes!)"
"Fuck off," scream parents silently as their long-lost children enter forcibly even though Dad has his foot in the door.
"Hi mum, hi Dad", kiss, kiss, and the party begins.
Dirty washing everywhere (including stinking socks and striped underwear, colour brown), dirty left-overs of chewed food everywhere, dirty washing-up left everywhere, steamy, wet bathrooms left after showering and bathing and mum picking up the pieces, half-empty toothpaste tubes left without caps everywhere and toothpaste hanging on the mirror, dog-ends left in bed, bedroom and toilet, the list is endless.
Dare Mum and Dad got out for the evening (fucking idiots) PARTY, PARTY AND EVEN MORE PARTY; within five seconds of promising to leave the place clean and tidy hundreds of unknown, drop-out, long-haired hairy, scantily dressed male and female students appear from nowhere and the place is ransacked.
Dad's prized wine collection ravaged, Mums fav bottles of sweet spirits devoured and the puke left to dry before Mum and Dad return and sonny-boy or girl didn't notice a thing, they were too pissed or were too busy shagging in Mums and Dads bed!
The only hope that Mum and Dad have is that their student children have booked a cheap holiday somewhere in a cheap and nasty shithole called Lloret de Mar and revenge will be sweet, cockroaches and all, YEEEEEEESS!
Then the day arrives when our lovable student children return to their pokey little rooms somewhere far-away, normality returns and Mum and Dad decide to flog the house and emigrate to the South Pole (too fucking cold there for a student invasion).
My solidarity to all parents who have student children, my son just left and the holes in his bedroom floor are proof of the happening, we can't wait until the next semester holidays arrive because attempting to enter Hitler's bunker will be a different proposition!
