A Grisly Gastronomical Guide To Ghastly American Food

Funny story written by rfreed

Tuesday, 31 May 2011

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The best artery clogger money can buy.

There are many who come to our American shores think they are arriving at a Shangri-La where everyone dines off a silver spoon and delicious, filling, nutritious meals are only a refrigerator away from their satin bedecked table.

Many possessing these TV Land illusions come from places where food is still picked directly from trees or fields and are surprised to find that here it comes in colorful boxes or wrapped in plastic. Boy, are they in for a wake up call! Most Americans haven't gotten their food directly from Nature for three generations now and honestly believe little elves in trees make their crackers for them and that jolly green giants pick their peas.

Most of the food in America will not only be a culture shock to a new arrival's senses, but to their taste buds, stomachs and bowels as well. To help prepare newcomers to avoid the danger of tummy rot from experimenting with the American diet, here are some guidelines:


Ketchup- Used to grease the esophagus so that any food eaten can make it down to the stomach without choking the person eating it.

Soda- A form of water that is carbonated so as to cover the taste of the chlorine and fluoride in it.

Fried chicken- A means of rendering the bird to guarantee that it never flies again.

Buns - A bread product specially designed to soak up the abundant grease found in most U.S. hamburgers and hotdogs.

Biscuits- See 'Buns'.

Cotton candy- Tooth decay on a stick.

Sausage- A way of converting left over meat scraps into a food product that actually appears edible.

Processed cheese- A modern scientific melding of plastic and milk. Can be used interchangeably as a food product and or can be molded into plastic play toys.

White sugar- A famous addition to any food that in sufficient quantities will guarantee an addictive audience.

Super-caffeinated drinks- A sure means of keeping the working population working, although as wired zombies.

Donuts- A fantastic mixture of wheat, globular fat and sugar. These wonderful food items are designed to add their shape to your body.

Milk shakes- A substance designed to keep America the #1 country for obesity, although most 'milk shakes' no longer have a drop of milk in them.

French fries- A former beloved American food that we now blame on the French for causing our clogged arteries.

Candy bars- A combination of chocolate, nuts, hydrogenated oil, coconut, wheat and heaps and heaps of sugar in a myriad of forms that support the entire dental profession of the U.S.

Hot dogs- Coronary disease made to look like fun.

Buffalo wings- Not really from buffaloes. The only thing getting buffaloed here are those who eat them.

Onion rings- Along with potatoes, tomatoes, calamari, and chicken: a way of cooking a cheap food so that it is both cheap and unhealthy.

Chocolate - Zit enhancers.

Pigs knuckles- A food eaten by people who have not totally made the evolutionary jump to modern man.

Biggie sized- On the opposite side of the connoisseur scale from the Starbucks latte 'Grande' drinks sippers, they are also known as 'Diabetes inducers'.

Sour cream- Fat inducing product made from milk that has gone bad.

Mayonnaise- A guaranteed job saver to those in the health care industry. If it goes bad, it sends the eater to a hospital, if its good they still get clogged up and end up in a hospital eventually- a win-win situation for all in the health care industry.

Potato chips- The art of taking a perfectly good food and transforming it into artery ripping junk.

Coffee- The beverage that powers America. The drink that wakes the business world up to its 9 AM responsibilities.

Beer- The beverage that unwinds America after a hard day of coffee drinking. For some it is a substitute for blood in their veins.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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