Helen Wood Tape: Super Injunction Identities Revealed?

Written by pinxit

Saturday, 23 April 2011


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Helen Wood: Off her bike and out of leathers...

In a brief but revealing meeting with call-girl Helen Wood, whose three-in-a-bed romps with Wayne Rooney hit the headlines two years ago and now finds herself in the middle of three high profile High Court gagging orders, has she perhaps let slip the identities of the two actors and a football legend?

Kiss and Sell

We meet outside in the sun-soaked backstreets of a sedate part of Manchester. She sits on her favourite motorbike waiting for me and, considering the furore encircling her, seemingly without a care in the world.

Her long, lithe leather-clad legs are wrapped round the petrol tank, 1000cc throbbing between her thighs. "It's a Triumph Bonneville" says Ms Wood, "It may be ageing, but it's a world-famous classic. Uptown or downtown Manchester, it's a great ride - even in 2012."


Her auburn hair is just visible through the visor of her crash helmet. She has agreed to just five minutes with me. For a price. I ask about the Super Injunctions slapped on her.

"Slapping I'm used to. But to be frank..." she pauses and chuckles to herself, "It's bloody uncomfortable to have three gags on me at once. And I could do without the police all over me. It's like one of my favourite movies, 'Hot Fuzz'."

Gagging for it...

She is happy to talk about her activities, but naturally reticent to talk about the three celebrity clients she has been forbidden to name.

"Being a Manc girl, of course I love going to the footy, particularly United."

She swerves any mention of the well-publicised threesome with Rooney.

"That was then. I've grown up now and, like my Bonnie," she looks down at her still purring bike, gleaming in the Spring sunshine, "I prefer the more mature player. Even though he may dribble a lot," she laughs, "And sound like a Great Train Robber."

Her meter ran out. My five minutes with Helen Wood were over.

As she tucked the crisp fivers into her leathers cleavage she blew me a kiss, slammed down her visor and roared off to her next 'meeting'.

She had rigorously observed the gagging orders on her and divulged nothing.

Or had she...?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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