Letters To The Editor - From Daft Bastards

Funny story written by Skoob1999

Sunday, 30 January 2011


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Oh, Sod This For A Lark.

Sick Of It


I'm sick of it. Who are these people? They send me junk mail, spam emails, cold call me when I'm having a bath, knock on my door asking if I've got any spare gold I don't want, and rattle collection boxes in my face when I'm going shopping. Why are they allowed to get away with it? If everybody behaved like the staff at Poundland, the world would be a much brighter place. Probably not at night time, but at least during daylight hours.

Lily Pond, Cirencester.

Give Back The Elgin Marbles


I read an article today about the Elgin Marbles, and how the Greeks want them back. I've never been a big fan of marbles myself, having a preference for hopscotch, but marbles are just glass balls at the end of the day. And if we cheated, which they seem to be implying, by taking shots when the Greek's backs were turned, we should give them back. After all, it's only a game, and ultimately means nothing in the great scheme of things.

Walter Feature, Wrexham.

All Seagulls Should Be Protected


I disagree with the above statement. Seagulls are bastards. They swoop on you, regurgitate half digested fish on you, try to shit on you as if they're in the fucking Dam Busters or something, and to add insult to injury, they nick your ice cream, your jam butties, and then try to peck you. They are - they're just bastards. Worse than pigeons. Somebody should get a fucking big gun and shoot the lot of 'em. Ruthlessness is required. There's no point feeding the sadistic bastards bits of chopped up bacon rind. That just encourages the cunts.

Artesian Welles, Stourbridge.

Old People Smelling Of Piss And Cabbage.


I'm heartily sick of this joke. It gets repeated ad nauseum in all kinds of media outlets, and it just isn't funny any more. My old mum is a hundred and eight years old - God bless her - and lives in a nursing home. Granted, she drools a bit, and waffles on when she talks to lightswitches, but she has NEVER, ever, stunk of piss and cabbage. She actually stinks of diarrhoea and broccoli. And sometimes asparagus tips and Guinness farts. I utterly resent the 'piss and cabbage' allegations. They make me so angry that I could eat a live meerkat.

Trevor Fountain, Rome, Italy.

Letters To The Editor Columns


These letters to the editor columns really piss me off. I mean, what good does it do? Quite frankly, nobody ever reads them, and most letters just get put through the shredder anyway. I can't imagine why anybody would bother putting pen to paper in the first place. They must be right idiots.

Frediterranean C. Saltwater, Cleethorpes.

Would you waste time writing a letter to the editor? If you're a daft bastard with letter writing inclinations, send them to Skoob1999@theoffice.con. I'll either shred 'em or start a fire with 'em.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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