Written by Han

Thursday, 31 March 2011

Justin Bieber seems to attract nothing but love from pre-pubescent girls wherever he goes. His magnetic powers, however, attract the complete opposite online.

Enter The Bieb's name into your Facecbook's search bar and "No wonder Justin Bieber's so pale, there's no sun in the closet" and "There are three genders: Boys, Girls and Justin Bieber" immediately grace your screen. The 'Justin Bieber Girl' website claims to have "proof that Justin Bieber is in fact a girl."

Of course, the Canadian teen sensation isn't sweating his detractors. Not today, at least.
"The way I see it," he says in-between bites of his Meg Ryan Sandwich at famed restaurant Bistro 990 in Downtown Toronto, "is that those people only prove how cool I really am. If you have haters, you must be doing something right."

Speed magazine decided to grab a plate alongside JB as he dished on his rise to the top, what he really thinks of Usher and why Rebecca Black is officially the "female" him.

Speed: Let's start this off on the right foot. Three years ago, you were just a burgeoning YouTube sensation. Last year your single "Baby" reached No#5 on the Billboard Hot 100 charts. How did you climb the musical ranks so fast?"

JB: "I could say it was God or whatever his name is, but my rise to the top was predetermined in the stars."

Speed: "Predetermined?"

JB: "Yeah. Like the pharaohs from Egypt came to my great-great-great grandmother's crib up in Alberta, while she was pregnant with my great-great grandmother. They must've sprinkled some "Bieb" juice on her stomach and said, "Your really great-great-great grandson is gonna become the biggest thing in America since Jesus and Elvis combined."

Speed: "Bieb juice? Okay. Usher signed you to his Raymond Braun Media Group venture after hearing you in 2008. What influence has he had on your career thus far?"

JB: "Oh man, Usher. Honestly, Usher has had the greatest influence on my musical career thus far. He taught me how to hold a note, how to play the piano and even how to freestyle some funky-fresh lyrics."

Speed: "Freestyle? As in rapping? We didn't know Usher got down like that."

JB: "Yeah. He sure does. I just came here from recording a new track with him, Lil Jon and 50 Cent. It's called "Crunk Tricks Gettin' Low on a Jamaica, Queens Flo." Mad cool. I sung the hook, which goes like, "I see them girls on the flo' in the Queensboro sto'. Droppin it, droppin it. Damn, they get it low." It's gonna be the lead single on 50's next album

Speed: "Hmm. Wonder what Selina will think of that track. Has she heard it yet?"

JB: "Actually, she just did. I Tweeted the song's lyrics and unfinished version to her an hour ago. She's spending the weekend at her grandma's crib down in North Carolina. Not only does she like it, but she says she wants to jump on the remix. I'm gonna write her some stuff and we'll see how it goes."

: "You two must have a pretty tight bond since making it official earlier this year."

JB: "We sure do. Selina listens to me. She cares about me more than most people ever will. She's the only person I can talk about anything with. Selina is the type of person every man wishes he had: smart, pretty, funny. And she's a freak in the sack."

Speed: "You made her take her purity ring off?"

JB: "Oh, I made her take off way more than just that. Way more. Damn. She took me around the world and back! Doggystyle, froggystyle, Bieberstyle. And she tossed my salad."

Speed: "Bieberstyle, huh? Sounds interesting."

JB: "Hell yeah! I can't really explain it here, but it's pretty freaky."

Speed: "We can imagine. Anyways, what do you think of Rebecca Black's new "Friday" video? Seems a lot of folks aren't fans of it."

JB: "Forget those clowns who say that! I'mma go on record right here and right now and say that 'Friday' is the greatest record I've ever heard. Matter of fact, I officially christen Rebecca Black the 'Female Justin Bieber'. She has the voice, the swag and the young, pretty looks that make the boy-I mean girls want me."

Speed: "Okay, final question. People say you're way too young to be singing about love and you know nothing about it. Comments?"

JB: "Yeah. Ask Selena if what I made to her last night wasn't love"

Speed: "Okay, dude. Thanks for your time."

JB: "My pleasure."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Justin Bieber

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