Interview with a Vampire Sock

Funny story written by Katarina Frogpond2

Monday, 14 March 2011

image for Interview with a Vampire Sock
Louis the vampire sock looked a bit like this except longer

The sock arrived at midnight. He looked like a glove puppet floating in mid air, but of course he wasn't. He was magic. He was a magic vampire sock, who had long since left his earthly role as a human foot warmer behind.

He told me this as I poured him a glass of wine. Cabinet Sauvignon, if I recall correctly. White wine, not red. He frowned at it as he told me his name was Louis. He said I could start the tape any time I liked, so I did. He began his story at the beginning.

His first memory was of living in a sock drawer with his twin. They had about thirty brothers and sisters who were also all twins. Life was good.

I told him that was nice, but it wasn't very...vampiric. He said he was getting to that bit and began to tell me about the washing machine incident where he tragically lost his twin.

I said that was very sad, but what about the vampire bit. He said that that was the next tragic thing he was going to tell me. So he did.

He told me that on the very day he lost his twin in the washing machine, he was put into the drying machine and when he came out again he was taken to the place they called the the Play Group. He was dragged there by the child he knew only as Sophia.

Using a shiny needle and thread, Sophie's Play Group teacher gave Louis scary eyes, pointy ears and a very flat nose. She then gave him shiny protruding canine teeth and she declared he was a vampire. She told everyone he drank blood and turned into a bat at night time.

When Louis was put back into the sock drawer with all of his family he was ostracized and told to leave. They were afraid of him because they believed he really was a vampire. He had no option but to go. He then went to live in the laundry basket, but he wasn't wanted there, either.
So he left the house altogether.

For a century he wondered around the beautiful cities of Europe. All alone and unwanted. Until one day he came across the players in Le Theatre de Lost Socks in the City of Paris. They were very kind to him there and they welcomed him with open arms. They took him to a seemstress who removed his vampire teeth and made him into a normal sock with just normal eyes and ears again.

The audience at the Theatre De Lost Socks were delighted when he was presented to them, and he instantly became a firm favourite. He performed shakespeare and Spielberg every night to the delight of his new fans, who felt his pain entirely. For they were lost separated soles, too,

Just like himself, each one of them was an only twin, who had lost their direction in life. And it was there, at the Theatre that he came to be re-united with his long lost twin, who just turned up to watch the show like all the other lost socks. Because that's the beautiful thing about the Theatre de Lost Socks. Eventually all lost socks from broken pairs end up there, and if they go often enough they sometimes get re-paired.

Louis ended the interview by telling me he would be performing this very night on the Old Vic Stage in London Town. He would be playing Dracula, which was why he had returned to being dressed up as a vampire. But he said I probably wouldn't be allowed in to see him perform his magic because I wasn't a sock.

I asked him one last question. I asked: "How do you float in the sky like that. Is that the magic you're talking about?" He sighed and said "No. It just stage magic. But if you want it to be real, it can be"

I let him go and he disappeared into the night. I never saw him again...perhaps it was for the best. But he taught me lessons about socks I will never forget.

He taught me that socks don't like being type cast as vampires. They like to be able to perform lots of roles. So next time you decide to make a glove puppet, use fuzzyfelt. Its kinder and far less permanent.

The End.

By Katarina Frogpond.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more