Written by Joe Kerr

Monday, 21 February 2011

image for Showbiz Wiz Tom Jones for Fez Prez? It's Not Unusual!

Well, folks have remarked he certainly looks the part. While Egypt prepares to choose a democratically elected Head of State, many might consider that there are few better qualified candidates than Welsh knight errant, Sir Tom Jones.

He looks like an elder middle-eastern statesman these days, with his wavy silver hair accentuating his genuine tan gained after years of toil in the Californian sun. And with his distinctive nose he could pass for a native - although he swears that was the result of a difference of opinion in his formative years when his opinions and proboscis (that's his nose for those of you not medically trained) were still being formed.

The evergreen superstar has achieved what many could not in 3 lifetimes. As Hollywood showbiz hack Ivor Storey points out, "He has already saved the world from alien invasion, as undisputedly recorded in the documentary film 'Mars Attacks' (thank you, Sir Tom, we owe you our lives). So no one would feel insecure as long as Tom was in charge. He is over 10 years younger than both the retiring President and his interim replacement, so could serve for years if needs be." Although Storey admits that might not be considered a plus, given recent circumstances. "I'm sure a 30 year stint wouldn't appeal to him at this stage in his career; that would more than the years he was appearing at the MGM in Las Vegas. But he could be available between tours."

Sir Tom is no stranger to the culture of the region either, knowing by heart, and making world famous, one country's National Anthem 'Delilah' in 196somethingorother. He is also quite familiar with pyramids, having seen an original one with a light on top just down the strip from the MGM Las Vegas during his seasons there. Tom made his home in the US after fleeing the UK taxman, so as an exile himself, he would empathise with the plight of the displaced person, a big problem in the region.

He would surely readily assimilate knowledge of local customs. Tom has made no secret having more than one wife in the past, although of course not all were his.

Linguistics expert Saul Greek reckons learning the language should not be so difficult for him, either. "Six months max for a guy from Treforest, Wales*" he reckons. "Like, have you ever tried speaking Welsh? They actually mutate, i.e. change the spelling of the beginning of words as they go along depending on what word preceded it! Anyway, like all Welsh kids he will have learnt the national anthem at school, 'Mae Hen Wlad fy Nghadau' - translation: 'Land of my Pharaohs'. So Arabic: no problem" says Saul. He excused himself to get rid of the phlegm he'd built up, explaining that it was one of the drawbacks of not speaking the language for some time.

By incredible coincidence, Hosni Mubarak's ex-wife hails from Treforest, just like Tom. When we asked his agent whether Tom would be able to pump her for background information, he deprecated. "Tom is a gentleman and not getting any younger, but I'm sure he would give it go for the good of the country."

Hard pressed tour agents in Egypt (where's everyone gone all of a sudden?) were pretty enthusiastic at the prospect. "Sir Tom is known all over the world. Tommy Cooper was Welsh and went down a storm wearing a fez, so why not Tom? He will be good for business; he will bring charm 'n' shake to Sharm Al Sheik" opined spokesman Omar Kudnes.

In London, political activist and huge fan Candy Date gave us her assessment. "Ask your average Egyptian which aging Brit with grey hair or worse and an outrageous tan they would like to run their country (hands off Suez Canal this time, we promise) -Tony Blair or Tom Jones? Well, it's a no-brainer, isn't it? OK, Tom's not been putting himself around like Tony lately and probably doesn't get as much for a gig, but there again he never removed civil rights from citizens who had voted him to power; rights for which their ancestors had died in order to get. Egyptians deserve better than that and it won't do his album sales any harm."

*Editor's Note: Wales is the country they use to compare the size of with other countries so you know how big or small they are. This is useful if you've been to Wales or been brought up there like Tom, or likewise the other country, so then you'd know how big Wales is. And it would help Tom avoid embarrassing situations like mixing up Liberia with Libya. That's how wars can start; like mixing up Iraq and Iran.

The Germans could never bomb Treforest in WW2 because of the thermals - the updrafts, not the underwear. Maybe a greater power was at work. If the air raids had succeeded, Egypt might have to look elsewhere for its new leader.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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