Written by Auntie Matter

Saturday, 1 January 2011


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Little Adolf's Teddy

New York journalist Patrick Raisin relates his meeting with head of Germany's Neo-Nazi Party that is fast gaining popularity among the young not only in Germany but in many other countries around the world.

Frantz Kleindick, flanked by two of his Stormtroopers, was lounging in a leather swivel-chair behind his desk when I was shown in. All three wore the old Gestapo black uniform with Swastika armbands. The joint was a squat, cement cellar located in Akademie Square, Berlin, beneath an acre of dereliction left over from the last world war.

A German version of English band Queen's great hit "We Are The Champions" could be heard playing at low volume in the background. The first things I noticed in the light of a single globe dangling from the ceiling were the toy guns and plastic soldiers strewn all over the floor, a punchbag daggling from a chain in the corner... and the shelf of Harry Potter books. A kid had been playing here. But what kid? The walls were covered in flags, maps and framed photos of Adolf Hitler.

He was the reason why I left New York early that morning to fly to Germany on the orders of my editor. I had plans made for that day too... to pick up on my Salsa lessons with my new girlfriend. I can't dance for straws but have enormous admiration for anyone who can. I keep trying though. But, an assignment like this was worth any sacrifice.

Frantz got straight to the point in a broad German accent. He was maybe in his late forties, shiny-bald, with a drooping Nietzchean moustache and block forehead to match. I found what he had to say most alarming;

FRANTZ: You will get your paper, The Vaginal Observer, to announce to the world the simple fact that Der Fuhrer is back. He is "The Chosen One". "The boy who lived". The way has already been prepared.

ME: Where is he?

FRANTZ: He is far from here in a safe house, playing Space Invaders on his computer.

ME: What age is he?

FRANTZ: Seven. He is a genius already and has read all the Harry Potter books... twice!

He tossed a photo across the desk. I was looking at a skinny boy in short pants with knobby knees standing beside a globe atlas. He had black hair and bright blue eyes and was still in his grey school outfit. He sported the Harry Potter specs and I thought I saw a lightning tattoo on his forehead, but it was probably a play of light.

FRANTZ: You may give the photo to your editor.

ME: Let me repeat what you said, Herr Kleindick, in your fax to us. The boy has been cloned from a tooth taken from the skull of Adolf Hitler. He has been brought up in secret by genetic scientists but the time has come for you to make his presence known. Is that correct?

FRANTZ: Yes, Herr Raisin. His location and identity of course must be kept secret until the time comes when he will seize power. The world is to be readied for his public manifestation and this will take many years. That is why you are here.

ME: I see. Perhaps you can tell me what plans you have for him.

I opened my notebook and began to scrawl down rapidly while Frantz elaborated fully on what he wanted me and the world to know.

FRANTZ: His preparation began at birth, listening to Wagner and Shostakovich and his old speeches at Nuremberg. Then, when we were sure he could stand it, we played him records of REM over and over again so as to strengthen his Aryan will to slaughter millions if he has to. We have already made young Adolf a lifetime member of Chelsea football club in London, England. We do not like the Britishers but they lead the world in thuggery and self-debasement. There he will learn how to start a riot, how to harness the power of hooliganism and the merciless violence of racism, and see at close quarters how human beings can reach right back to monkeyhood without having to live up trees, or peel bananas with their toes, or give up reading The Sun newspaper. When he reaches eleven, he will be adopted by his spiritual mother J.K.Rowling and move into her mansion in Edinburgh Scotland, where he will study politics and the black arts. From Rowling and her friends he will learn how to hoodwink millions of people over a long period by getting political friends to silence all questions about his affairs. He will also learn how to use money to bribe people and get them to shut up for life. In his early teens he will be sent to our friends Schillings of London for work experience. He will learn how to bend any man-made law to his will and obliterate anyone's democratic rights in a few words, and have them sent to jail if they complain. Before he goes to Oxford he will be apprenticed to a broadcasting director at the BBC where he will be taught the skills of mind control through film, voice and imagery. With Sir Geoffrey Archer as his tutor he will be able to tell astonishing lies successfully that only an English Lord's accent can get away with. When he graduates from university he will leave for the United States where he will assume complete control of Rupert Murdoch's media empire. After buying controlling shares in all the leading companies he will return home to Berlin. After that, Herr Raisin, it is "hello The Fourth Reich!" and "goodbye" all the bastards who defeated us in 1945. World domination at last will be ours!!! No other race of people will live on earth but Germans! Have you any questions?

ME: Will he be able to Salsa?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Hitler

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