Cutback Books: Slim Volumes For The Era Of Austerity

Written by Erskin Quint

Thursday, 16 December 2010


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Too Fat: Just Some Of The Volumes That Had To Be Rejected

with Tilly Wrestleman

Greetings dear friends and fellow bibliophiles. The compliments of the season to you all. As the old Hungarian proverb has it: "May all your geese be fat ones, and all your relations be dead."

'Tis a fallow period through which we are forced to trudge just now. Where are the new books? They are conspicuous by their lack of existence, my dears.

So, thus it is, dear rats de bibliotheque, that Tilly must postpone her regular weekly review of beaucoup nouveaux livres. Oh yes.

"But is Tilly daunted? Nay, surely not", I hear my companion amoureux des livres gasp in anticipation. And I can haply vouchsafe to my intimate lecteurs fanatiques that I have been resourcefulness itself, and have transcended the current creative paucity, and this is what I have brought to your table.

For I thought, "what could be more appropriate at this time than to do a list. They do it on the dreadful television, after all. So why should not we get away with it for once?

So here they are, dearest tourneurs de pages: Tilly's books that, though they may be frowned upon by posterity, must surely be just right for a time of austerity. That's right, my friends, here are some slim volumes fit for an age of saving the rainforests as well as the national debt and spiralling labour costs:



  • The Duke of Edinburgh's Guide To Diplomacy In The Modern World
  • The Benefits of Ethnic Diversity by Nick Griffin
  • The Economic Thought of George Osborne
  • Everyday Life by David Cameron
  • My Guiding Principles by Nick Clegg
  • My Journey Along The Path of Humility by Simon Cowell
  • X Factor: The Enduring Legacy
  • Community Spirit In 21st Century Britain
  • Whistleable Wagner
  • Sing Along With Stockhausen
  • The Future of Western Culture
  • Why Jordan Is More Than A Pair of Big Tits
  • Great Albanian Wines
  • The Spirituality of North America
  • Why Compassion is My Watchword by Eric Pickles
  • Transforming Britain: The Compassionate Legacy of The Lib-Dem Coalition
  • Far More Than A Pasty-Faced Twat: The Gravitas of George Osborne
  • The Benefits of Listening by Adolf Hitler
  • The Art of Negotiation by Genghis Khan
  • Mao's Little Red Joke Book
  • Laugh Along With Lenin
  • Inuit Rugby Songs
  • Sir Trevor Brooking: A Controversial Life
  • Cutting Edge: The Revolutionary Novels of Alan Titchmarsh
  • The Nobility of Hunting
  • Queen Victoria and Prince Albert's Bumper German Xmas Joke Book
  • The Isambard Kingdom Brunel Slacker's Bible
  • Writing From The Heart: The Originality and Lasting Legacy of J K Rowling
  • The Craft of Writing by Jordan
  • The Leonard Cohen Novelty Song Book
  • Favourite Bagpipe Concertos
  • Choosing The Perfect Toupee: A Pocket Guide by Donald Trump
  • The Josef Goebbels Manual of Straight Talking
  • Love Your Enemy: A Guide To Social Policy by Joseph Stalin
  • The Crazy World of John Major
  • The Vatican Guide To Child Protection
  • A History of Australian Culture
  • Shakespeare's Greatest Jokes
  • Larry Grayson's Real Ale Guide

So there we have it, my esteemed amateurs de littérature. Something for everyone there, I imagine. Such morsels are the very stuff of our enlightened age, and surely make us what we are.

Until we meet again,


The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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