The World Extends Sympathy To John Edwards Over His Wife's Selfish Decision

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Tuesday, 7 December 2010


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Many world leaders have called former Senator John Edwards, expressing heartfelt sadness and condolences after it was announced that his selfish estranged wife, Elizabeth, has decided to stop all treatment for her cancer, ostensibly to make the Senator's life more difficult.

Obviously, this is sarcasm, and John Edwards is a piece of...

Seriously, look at the horrible sh-t he did to that poor woman. I sincerely hope that, once Elizabeth is gone, every waking moment of his f--king life is filled with the knowledge that he destroyed the life of the woman he vowed to be with until death do they part. I hope John Edwards never gets a moment's rest from the guilt. Pig.

"It's so unfair to John," said former campaign worker Rielle Hunter, who started dating John three years before his breakup with Elizabeth. "She is such a selfish coward."

Senator Edwards bravery began in October 2007, when the National Enquirer began to attack him by publishing completely true details of his extramarital affair.

In a 2008 interview, Edwards put on a brave face and explained that he simply 'forgot' about the affair with Hunter, and vehemently denied being the father of her child, Frances Quinn Hunter.

Poor John's life was further complicated when Elizabeth decided to go out and get cancer, forcing John to have to pay for her treatment. Elizabeth's cancer also lessened her ability to cook, have sex and keep the house clean, which further strained the Senator.

Things began to look up in 2010, when Mr. Edwards announced that he and Ms. Hunter had indeed become new parents. Senator Edwards explained that his his original denial of paternity of Frances was inaccurate, and that he was misquoted, further proof of the vast, right-wing conspiracy against all Democrats.

"I misspoke when I said the affair (with Hunter) ended long before the time of the child's conception," said Edwards in a 2010 interview. "Instead of 'before the child's conception', I meant to say 'continued to bang her well after the child's conception'. It's an easy mistake to make."

Elizabeth's selfish decision to begin dying never changed the brave Senator's romantic side. In fact, he once promised Hunter that, after his wife died, he would marry her in a rooftop ceremony in New York with an appearance by the Dave Matthews Band.

"Again, a slip of the tongue," conceded Edwards. "Who knows what Dave Matthews charges for weddings. Elizabeth's life insurance payout can only go so far, you know."

John has stood beside the woman who he married in 1977, even going so far as to plot to shield Elizabeth from the knowledge of his newest bundle of joy.

"Edwards asked me to 'Get a doctor to fake the DNA results, and to steal a diaper from the baby so he could secretly do a DNA test to find out if this was indeed his child," said former aide Andrew Young, who initially claimed that he was the father of Hunter's baby. "If that doesn't prove that John is a great husband, father and humanitarian, I don't know what would."

Despite this all, husband-of-the-decade Edwards has promised to be by Elizabeth's side until her final breath.

"When I thought about Elizabeth's death, I used to think, 'the sooner the better'," said Edwards. "So I don't have to be in pain any longer."

"Now I hope that she sticks around for as long as possible," he continued. "Francis Quinn needs his stepmother. What? 'Her'? It's 'es'... she's a girl? I thought it was a boy. Damn."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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