Stench: Chapter 2

Written by shnoswald

Friday, 27 August 2010


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Chapter 2

I really should mention a little about myself, after college I went home to Madagascar for a break from academia and the stress of watching way too many people doing way too much for way too little. College should expand the mind not shut it down or worse, program it. I find the whole idea of spending thousands of dollars on college way too bizarre of a concept. No one has yet given me an answers to why college is so important. I could pay an entire staff to teach me all I needed to know for a hell of a lot less. Anyway, as you know I'm an Aye-Aye. Cute little critter with a fierce middle finger. Some people say I look like a fruit bat which I can live with. Some say a mange laden poodle and that's okay as well, it helps with the ladies as I, ummm... have a fetish of sorts for poodles. I am educated as you can clearly tell in the fact I'm writing this book. So enough about me to get you started. Back to Sebastian.

A few weeks ago while relaxing near the coast in my home town of Mahajanga, a small fishing village, Sebastian meandered over to where I was sitting. I was sipping a Three Horses beer and watching the waves and my less than intelligent server was deep in conversation with me over the rise and fall of the tide. She was under the impression that the tides were driven by Sirius as opposed to the moon. I was fine with the conversation although she was batty. When Sebastian approached he was fully regaled in his three piece knock off Armani suit, fedora and shoes polished to a mirror finish. The look would have been suitable, perhaps, in his little coastal village of Ogunquit or for a night at the opera, but here in equatorial Africa it was just stupid. I'm not sure if it's because he's an idiot or because I am so freaking handsome and intimidating, but he was reluctant to start the conversation. A misguided local nipper had given Sebastian the idea that, for some reason, I would be more than willing to help him. I need to remember to kick the crap out of the brat later.

"Excuse me?" He was in my sun. "But I must ask a question if you don't mind. I was told that you may be able to help me and, at the very least, I would value your opinion. Would you mind if I bought you a beer and we could discuss my options in hiring you as a guide?" Anyone with the sense enough to discuss anything over beer was right away on my good side. God so loved the stuff he gave us Dublin. I ordered a Guinness as opposed to the local brew simply because Guinness kicks ass. Besides the local brew was crappy and it was way too hot for scotch right now.

"And your in my sun because...?" Beer or no beer he was, in fact, in my sun and I do like my sun.

"I'm interested in medieval literature and there is a book that I believe is here, somewhere in Madagascar, and I am looking to make a purchase. Unfortunately I am not having much luck navigating this island and the people are rather... odd if you don't mind me saying." I didn't mind. He was right. For a Westerner entering this place with all of it's natural beauty and people that really are quite happy, I would expect it to feel strange. I offered to spit on him and call him names to give him a sense of being back home. He declined. "I was simply wondering if you are available for hire to help me get around. I am willing to pay of course."

"Pay? Not really into money and such, I really have all I need to be comfortable here. As you so graciously pointed out I am an Aye-Aye. The locals are so freaking afraid of some curse or nonsense like that, they are more than happy to leave me all the food and drink I can stomach. However... I may be up for some travel around the island. I could catch up with some friends I suppose. What exactly did you have in mind?" I was curious and bored, which for Sebastian was a good thing. Hassling tourists is a small hobby of mine and this sounded right up my alley.

* * * *

"So he wanted to hire you to find the book? Interesting."

"Yeah, the idea of locating the book was a pointless endeavor. I had no reason to believe that the book was going to do anything miraculous. It was just a book right?"

"Then why did you agree to go along with him?"

"Like I mentioned if you were listening, I had the chance to cruise the island and catch up with some friends. In addition to the free booze and food it sounded like a great idea. Why is it that you continue to ask questions that I have already answered if you were simply paying attention. It is rather tiresome."

"The questions are more to clarify what you're saying. While your speaking is quite eloquent, I do have to keep grounding myself, hence the questions. I do hope that it's okay? Please continue with the story."

"I would love too but I am under the impression that you will be pissing me off with questions. Is there any way to avoid that?"

"No... I don't think so. I'll be asking questions whether you like it or not. Sebastian asked for my help and I plan on providing it."

"Fine for now. I'll continue."

* * * *

Sebastian continued pleasantries for quite some time. He was generous with his change and I was completely smashed. Mind you that it doesn't take too much to get a three pound critter such as myself tanked but after three beers and four martinis, I was floating with the angels. Perhaps that's what led me to offer my support in the search for his damn book. I was intrigued as to why he would want the thing and confused as to why it was here. Granted Madagascar is a happening little island but it's not especially known for its vast collection of medieval literature.

I agreed to meet with him in the morning at his hotel so long as he bought breakfast; he felt that was a reasonable request. After my fill of conversation and liquor I moved slowly to my comfy little domicile to try and get some rest. I had little difficulty falling a sleep that's for sure, I was out cold in no time. Apparently I had a bit more than was needed to lubricate our conversation. Okay fine... I hurled crickets on some guys shoe on the way home and tried to have sex with a poodle and my hollow was spinning something fierce. I was just so happy to finally pass out. Ya know? If you keep picking at me with all your looks and glares I may just stop telling the damn story. Don't judge me! You don't know! No reason for you to go and cast dispersions! Yip Yap!

The next morning we ate, drank Bloody Mary's and discussed the arrangement. I was to assist him in finding his book and in exchange, I could ride on his shoulder, drink as often as I wished, eat whenever I wanted and was allowed to whoop the crap out of people with my fierce finger of death! Fine... I added the last part, besides its my story and my finger still carried the smell of poodle. He was relying on me to translate when needed and cover his ass with the locals. It was a deal for me and I'm quite certain for him as well. At this point I didn't know him all that well but it was clear that he was a twit and needed all the help I could offer. Sebastian was a nice human, however, he did show up to breakfast wearing a kilt. We had a chat about his attire and I came to the conclusion that I would not be working with him if he continued to dress like a moron. He agreed. Thank God.

* * * *

"So you're telling me that Sebastian was wearing a kilt when he met you in the morning, in addition to your problem with his outfit the day before it would appear that you in fact are rather pretentious."

"Back off pencil dick. As you can see I don't even wear clothes. I was more interested in Sebastian's safety and my unwillingness to get shot over some guy in a skirt. Yeah yeah... its traditional, whatever. I was not going to go into public with him like that." If he keeps interrupting me I am going to kick this guy in the nuts."

"You know, now that you mention it I do have an issue with the sans clothes thing. Any chance you could cover up a little bit?"


"Interesting. You take on the air that nothing anyone says is important unless you think it's important. Do you have any plans on being nice to people or will you simply keep moving forward with your own agenda?"

"Well my agenda is the right agenda. If you come up with something that I can see as a better agenda I am more than willing to entertain the idea however, I am right more times than not. In fact, I am having a difficult time thinking of the last time I was wrong. Hmm... I'll keep working on that."

"Now come on. I'm sure you have been wrong may times in your life. Why not admit it and move forward from there. You do know I''m here to help Sebastian and your arrogance is not helping the situation."

"Look, I'm going to continue with the story. The right story. The more you interrupt me the more likely it is that you will never hear the rest of the story. Now back off."

* * * *

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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