Stench: Chapter 1

Written by shnoswald

Wednesday, 25 August 2010


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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He couldn't find his nose. Sebastian Bremwalter, awoke this morning and it was no longer resting comfortably upon his face. The facial equivalent of his manhood for thirty-five years was now missing and it felt very strange to say the least. His nose was present during his first sexual experience inhaling the scent of perfume and feminine rapture. His nose was present when the powerful aroma of smoldering joints and stale whiskey filled the place he called home. Nose was part of his every memory and now he has left. Nose was gone.

Perhaps it was the lack of attention recently. Sebastian never entertained the idea of chasing his nose away mind you, but he was just too busy worrying about trivial matters such as collecting silly things and reading dusty literature. Nose was, as you could imagine, feeling neglected, left out, no longer serving an emunctory function as an important part of Sebastian's life. Sebastian did spend an inordinate amount of time with his finger exploring the depths of his nose and was falling close to rhinotillexomania, or over picking if you will. He was scratching and smelling with the nose but, perhaps, just not enough of the pleasant things in life such as flowers, trees after a long rain or even ear wax. The biggest questions to answer was why in the hell Nose decided to leave and more importantly, how in God's name was it going to get back to Sebastian? While searching for the nose is of the utmost importance, Sebastian will most assuredly find much more than his nose in the process; he may even find himself though that is rather doubtful.

Now, we could speculate that Nose was only interested in a small respite, a break, a chance away, a need to explore other scents shall we say, however it was rather rude for Nose to leave Sebastian without so much as a gesundheit upon his departure. Perhaps Nose was convinced that if he was free from all the hell he endures on Sebastian's glorious face he could amount to something important - and by important I mean something greater than a model for nasal spray adds. I have no clue why a chunk of cartilage and snot could possible dream of. Mine is not to reason why or to ponder such ridiculous ideas, only to tell the story.

Sebastian's face was not the same. As he looked in the mirror he could clearly see where Nose was residing only last night and it disturbed him to no end. The mirror only exasperated the horrible situation which added to Sebastian's perception of himself in a negative manner. Now, in place of his nose, was a vacant spot of skin with two small openings peering like wells into his cluttered mind of lost dreams and forgotten memories. I am not an expert on human anatomy, it's only a guess as to what lies behind the nose but what ever it was Sebastian had a wonderful view. He was sure the vacancy would not pose too much difficulty in his survival, however he was concerned about his rather odd appearance. The glabella, the space between the eyebrows just above where the nose was not too long ago, appeared like a vast expanse of prairie. Conceit is not Sebastian's forte, but to see an individual lacking his olfactory protuberance is rather disturbing and he will need to do something other than throw a pity party.

When I first looked at him I could only take a second look, then a third. Something was wrong but I couldn't place it, though after a few minuets I finally noticed his missing extremity. When I did notice, I'll admit I did "fuff" a bit like Aye-Aye's tend to do when shocked. I didn't mean too of course but, to be honest, humans are not the most attractive species on the planet - that honor would go to the verreaux's sifaka - and when a human is missing a nose they look downright creepy! Don't get me wrong I do like Sebastian, if not for him I never would have written my first book or had that orgiastic experience with the poodles. But of course I'm getting ahead of myself as I am wont to do at times. My apologies. Yip yap.

I had every intention of assisting Sebastian in his search for the absent member. I have grown quite fond of him over the past few weeks. It's rare to find a human so willing to have an Aye-Aye clinging to his back twenty-four-seven, however he allows me the pleasure of that in addition to the freedom to move about as I wish. He doesn't treat me as sentient property, more like an equal. Oh my, perhaps I should take a moment to introduce myself, it's only proper I suppose. My name is Bentley. That's all, just Bentley. I could go into greater detail of my spectacular percussive foraging techniques or the prodigious middle finger that is always flipping someone off, but this is really a story of Sebastian. A story of how he came to discover that the world does not, contrary to his opinion, owe him anything. That his reliance on petty and trivial things is ridiculous and of course, his quest for the perfect cheesecake. Me? I'm just a story teller and purveyor of facts along with sagacious and colorful wisdom. Take the word of an Aye-Aye. It's a good idea.

To indicate that Sebastian completely lacked amour proper, a sense of pride in his appearance, would be an understatement. In fact I would venture to say that he has no concern over his appearance at all. He has eyes that stare back at you, attempting to reach into your psyche but never quite making the connection. His build was thin and gaunt, due mostly to his poor eating habits and way too much scotch. Over all his appearance was not ugly for the small town of Ogunquit, Maine where he lives mind you, but not the sort of physique that women drool over as he walks down the street. He is not one to frequent bars or clubs, though he does like to drink, and he would never be so forward as to ask a woman out; needless to say he has no girlfriend. He likes to wear simple clothes, as a teacher you may see him in a shirt and tie, the occasional sport coat or at times a sweater vest. He would never feel over dressed nor under dressed, he is simply happy he has clothes on in the morning. That task alone is enough to keep him occupied for over an hour and I could only imagine how long it would take if he was going for one look or another.

Nothing about Sebastian is remarkable. He struggles with who he is versus what he wants to be, apparently humans tend to do that a lot so it's really no big deal I suppose. He is non-judgmental for the most part but does harbor strong feeling towards midgets dressed as clowns after last Halloween's issue at the local watering hole. Lets just say he does not enjoy balloon animals, clowns and live midget porn at the same time, it was simply disturbing. He has a limited social network to say the least, a few acquaintances and neighbors he feels comfortable speaking with and of course me. Not to place myself on a pedestal of any sort but I do believe I am his closest friend which makes him cool by proxy.

Sebastian enjoys going for walks which is gratifying for me. He enjoys eclectic foods, beer and of course scotch. His mannerisms are similar to the personalities found in most second rate British detective shows; not very personable yet always paying attention. He gets lost in what others are doing and frequently forgets what it was that he was supposed to do. All in all he's a nice guy that will never earn enough respect to ascend to a position of authority, it's just not in him.

His only hobby, if you can call it that, is to seek out unique "things" if you will. I suppose his collection is eclectic but I really have nothing to compare it to. When I first laid eyes on his coolection I was amazed, I'll explain that later but to give you a taste... he has a collection of twelve tongue depressors used during the Great Potato War of 1779. An original piano roll from John Cage's 4'33", - I told him that one was a waste of money - a monkey's paw, zymoglyphic art works, his toenail clippings from the last 15 years, 250 strains of beer yeast, well, you get the idea. He really has no life and simply gets by on a limited inheritance from his family and his teaching.

This past summer Sebastian became enamored over some of the books he was attempting to research. The one that piqued the most interest in his research was entitled the Transient Spectrum. It appeared, from what he could surmise, that it was a cookbook of some sort. The author was said to be from a cabal that thrived at the start of the sixteenth century. Obviously he would never find it in Ogunquit, of that he was certain. Even with the Internet and snail mail the thought of locating the book with out traveling was silly. He needed to travel.

He spent most of his summer attempting answer a few simple questions. Where is the Transient Spectrum located and would the cheesecake recipe really have a major impact on his life as described in available literature? If he was to believe the stories circulating about the book, it most assuredly will and that's all the poor sap needed, a sliver of hope. He was quickly running out time as school would begin shortly and he was running out of ideas even faster. In one final burst of creative effort he located a reference to the book in a newspaper from Madagascar. The article only mentioned the book in passing as part of a larger article about the destruction of a library. Could it be that his book has been destroyed? Of course not, or else I wouldn't have much of a story would I.

After he read of the possibility that the book survived a fire twelve years ago, in a small northern town in Madagascar he figured "Hey, I'll just fly down there and pick it up," or some crap like that. Madagascar is a terrible place to be if you don't know the people, language or customs. It can even be dangerous and deadly. People come here to get off the grid and to hide from everything, the last thing they need is someone poking around the underbelly of a country allergic to popularity for a book that no one has heard of. This trip, and subsequent discovery, would eventually shake the foundation of Sebastian's perspective on his life and the world around him. Where he is coming from is quite different than where he will end up. What he will go through will be a huge challenge for him to live through, to find not only what he's looking for but what he had no idea he even lost... himself.

It was his quest for, in my opinion, a silly book that brought the two of us together, and it took me a while before I truly understood the reason for the cheesecake, and I am still at a loss as to why he cared about the nose. After all, why invest time into something, or someone, that has no interest in investing time back? But I guess that's a human thing, collect crap, care about things that have no relevance and fight for things that will never make a bit of difference to anyone. But I should really start at the beginning and give you a more complete picture. I tend jump around too much. They say Aye-Aye's have a propensity for ADHD... No shit. Yip Yap.

* * * *

"You say you're an Aye-Aye? That's very interesting. I never spoke with an Aye-Aye before. Why is it that you feel you are an animal, an animal with a rather odd personality?" This dolt was pissing me off since we got to his office. I was only interested in telling the story. Dr. Undies in a Bunch had no right to question me like that.

"Well Captain Obvious, perhaps it's my tail, or maybe my large fingers or maybe, just maybe mind you, it's my bat like ears. Regardless of your opinion I am an Aye-Aye and if you want me to continue the story about Sebastian it is in you best interest to shut the hell up and let me continue. Or we can leave of course." I have had it already. He's the one that wanted the story in the first place. If he is opposed to me telling the story he can go to hell.

"I would much rather have you stay and tell me the story as you see fit Bentley. It's just odd for me to be speaking with an animal. You're my first. And yes Bentley, you are a very fine Aye-Aye. I will enjoy having you as company this after noon. Is that okay with you?"

"Yeah sure. Just do not get to be a pain in the ass or we bail. Deal?" The Dr. nodded. "Good I'll continue then."

* * * *
Chapter 2

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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