Written by Buck E Filbert

Friday, 6 August 2010


The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you wish to back out now, please click here to go back to the home page.

image for Vagina Worshipers
Church of the Almighty Vagina

Dateline Hollywood

Now that I have your attention:
I'll be doing a in depth look, into the recent vagina craze, exploding all over the world. Sydney, Tokyo, London, Paris and New York are all throbbing over, labia majora furniture, inter, outer and upper lip, snack cakes, "peekachoo art shows" held in, kurslopus art gallries. Groups are banding together, bowing to alters of The Femme Fatale, There are even some that claim to have seen a virginal vagina, jury is still out on that one. I know it's a slippery slope to travel so I'll just jump in and get both feet wet right away.

It seems there are religious cults, run by vagina worshipers popping up all across the land in this report we'll expolore,
"The Church, Of The Almighty Vagina"

"The Church Of The Almighty Vagina", is headed by "His Royal Exalted Swamie, Rosebud Tallywacker", Talleywacker, a former city sewage worker, started the church after he saw a vision in his sleep. Talleywacker claims to have had a talking vagina come to him in his sleep to inform him of the true history of mankind.

Talleywaker's version of creation, is a little off to to the left, of the standard doctrine, we've all come to know, and love.

In Tallywackers version, a powerful, all knowing, Vagina was brought to earth on a flaming meteor. Vagina saw there was no species with the intelligence to breach the cosmos on earth. So, she set forth, to remedy the situation. In the afternoon of the 3rd day Vagina spent on earth, Vagina created, Mangina in it's own image, Mangina quickly became Vagina's most cherished and loved creation.

The problems with Mangina was, it had both male and female genitalia, consequently Mangina spent all of it's time fornicating with it's self. Aggressively, making hot monkey sex, all alone.

Vagina warned Mangina to stop this sort of behavior immediately. Alas and sadly, Mangina was helpless to stop, Mangina was in love with Mangina. Everywhere you looked there were Manginas fornicating, pathetically alone, in secret.

Vagina was horrified with this result. In the end, all of Mangina were with gina. ("gina", are Mangina children), Gina were having gina. Being both Father, and Mother, to a Mangina, gina was not Vagina's intention for Mangina. In a rage of unequaled, furious anger, Vagina spewed forth, a torrent of liquid, the likes of which had never been seen on earth before, enough to flood all the lands. killing Mangina in the wake.

Mangina paid dearly for it's disobedience, banned from history, foam into sand, it's exsistance was lost in time, like teardrops in the rain.

Of all the Mangina in the world there were two abnormal births, Abnormal being that they had separate privates. The one that had male parts, was deemed, "Man". The one that had female parts was called, "Woman".

Vagina had these two separated from all other Mangina in the hopes, they would not be spoiled, by the out of control disrespect, and rebelliousness Mangina was displaying. Vagina, being the, "Vagina of Love", spared these two, in hopes, they would re-populate the earth, with untainted prodigy.

The teachings grow stranger as the tale goes on but I think you get the general gist of it.

There are three levels you need to slip -n- slide through to gain the ultimate flow of the Vaginal blessings.

Level One. The Sanctum of the Outer Lip

You have the basic questions, why am I here?, where is my place in the universe?, why do we exsist? The answers to these questions, and more, are about to fold out for you.

You are a newcomer, you have not been opened up to the beauty and serenity of Vagina. Labia Majora, is not your waking thought. You strangely find your mind drifting to thoughts of kerslopus., but don't know what to do about it.

Your, "awakening", at this point could last as long as 10 to 30 weeks. If you complete the, 'understanding", and have been awakened, you will bathe yourself in, Vagina.

There will be a vote by the entire congregation. This vote determines if you are worthy to advance, so you can peer into the second level.

Level Two, The Expansion of the Inner Lip

You learn to open your mind to the vibrations seering through you. You see Vagina clearly and vulva pulses your sinces into submission. You're hungry for level 3 and all it reveales. You don't bother to think about work or career, you only think Vagina.

Level Three, Fall into the Love Canal

Your mind has been enveloped by the soft nurturing embrace of Vagina. Your awakening thoughts are always focused on labia lip liquids. You understand the calling, your mind is crystal clear that all you need for happiness is Vagina.

His Royal, Exalted, Swamie, Rosebud Tallywacker said, "if you had a telescope, that could look deep enough into the cosmos, you'd be seeing into the past, so far into the past, all that would be, would be, Vagina", spontaniously ejaculating the universe.

All these revelations can be had for a price. The whole enlightment package can run from between $10.000 to $!00.000.00 depending on your devotion. Obviously, the more you contribute, the higher up the food chain you soar.

Mary Puckerass, a former church member said, she was abused crudely, by the entire congregation when she attended church functions, "I don't find that to be very Vagina like, being rude and all" said Puckerass.

Members of the church give themselves away, you see them most every day. They wear clothes that say, "Think Pink", "Pink Attack" and just plain, "Pink", you know who I'm talking about. You have seen them.

We here at the Spoof were confounded when we heard of this version of creation. We all know, The true Lord was, Jesus, he was born of a virgin, vagina, anything else would be ludicrous.

The moral of this story is,

"the sum of your parts, are better than some of your holes.
Chelsie Handler, The E Show, Chelsie Lately.

From Sunset and Vine
Hollywood Ca

Buck E Filbert

Somewhere thinkin:

"We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love."

Jonathan Swift

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more