The Onanists Guide To Life

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Thursday, 5 August 2010


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Having an "Episode" in The Spoof toilets


My name is Hans Jeob. I have been an Onanist for many years and this is my guide to maintaining your lifstyle without going blind or to prison.


Where ever one may wake up, always ensure you have a sock hidden under the pillow. This little gem, will save one having to explain small stains on bedding after an "Episode". It will also ensure a sudden invasion can be explained thus; "I wear the sock on my penis to prevent frost bite".


When parents enquire about the loud banging noises eminating from your bedroom during the night, your answer should be; "I dreamn't I was Keith Moon drumming for the WHO, I woke to find myself hitting the otterman with gusto"

Your parents will laugh at this and recommend you have more early nights, which is great news, because now you dont have to make excuses to go to your room.

Sibblings younger:

If you are caught having an, "Episode" it can be easily explained by saying; "I was laying on my bed, looking at the ceiling, when this huge spider appeared. It fell off and landed on the crotch of my pants, fearing it might be poisonous, I pulled my pants down, and started to attack said spider" This should suffice, if not, give sibling £5.

Sibbling Older:

You must get this right, or suspicion will be aroused. "I was laying on my bed asleep, when younger sibling crept in and put a huge garden spider down my pants, not wanting to harm species, I pulled my pants down and you have found me brushing it vigorously away".

Intelligence Gathering:

This is imperitive if you wish to be an Onanist.
Keep a detailed account of the times of parents leaving for work and returning to home. Days off and shopping.
Time the journey to and from off licence and supermarket.
Always have enough time to put the dvd away or turn the computer off, remember to erase history on browser.
Count the time it takes to ascend the stairs to your bedroom.


Equipment should include, Tissue. Sock. Hat. Dirty Grey Mack. Gloves. Bread. Baggy Trousers Water bottle.

If you find yourself wanting an, "Episode" find an area with plenty of bushes and trees. Put mack over shoulders and spread bread around to keep birds happy, they make a great alarm should anyone want to creep up on you.
Pour water at your feet, if police happen upon you, they will think you are just having a pee and shaking it off.
Put hat on to stop birds shitting on head and don baggy trousers if tempreture is below -1.
Use sock to prevent stainage on the way home and wear gloves if hands become too cold. Tissue is self explained.


Bedroom is safe, and the lounge, provided you have done your intelligence gathering. More exotic places may include the cubicle on a train, the local public toilets and if your really daring, your aunties garden shed, {mind the mower} Time is up to the individual, I have an "Episode in the morning afternoon and two in the evening, three in bed at night and a quick one in the bath.


Dont worry if your eyesight goes a bit blurry after a few "Episodes" you may find yourself walking into doors ect, if questioned put it down to reading lots of comics or watching late night film.

I hope this has been of help to you, and you are now more confident about your role in society. If yoU have any questions regarding this article, please forward them to my address.

Prisoner 12324
HMP Grendon Underwood

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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