Queen's Charpa Image Boutique Expands to U.S.

Written by P.M. Wortham

Thursday, 29 July 2010


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The Queen's Charpa Image Special

English small business entrepreneurs Quintessa "The Queen" Mudder and the elusive Ms. Charpa, owners of the hottest all women's boutique, coffee house and bookstores in the U.K., will be expanding operations to the U.S next month.

Joining forces with three other investors both in England and New York, Mudder and Charpa have signed a deal allowing franchise boutiques in New York City, Boston and Chicago. Noted authors themselves, Gail Farrelly will control the Chicago boutique, Lady Godiva will manage the New York store and Shea Lo will administer the Boston location. All are expected to follow the same floor plan, design cues and services tailored exclusively for women, as found to be successful in U.K. outlets.

"We're excited to be expanding of course", says Mudder, "But we've hit a snag with the American city planning commissions who tell us we can't legally open an exclusive Women's club. We must cater to men as well". Mudder's U.K. partner Charpa was less politically correct. "Those swinging nut sacks just want to throw a wrench into our successful little venture. Fine, see what they get", says Charpa.

The snag is really in the form of business operation. They had been formerly classified as a nearly private club in the U.K. which would be illegal in the U.S. if the private static membership crept higher than 199 members. "Queen's Charpa Image" would have to become a retail business and therefore could not exclude anyone from access.

"That's where we get creative", says Ms. Godiva. "We'll still have the eclectic boutique area for women, the highest quality Espresso, Women's bathrooms with seats permanently glued in the down position, coffee and tea bar with fresh baked nibbles, and an entire bookstore dedicated to women's holistic literary needs."

Ms. Farrelly added, "The men who do manage to stray into the storefront are directed to a door immediately to the left upon entering, which leads to a small hallway where soap, antiperspirant, and breath mints are sold from wall mounted dispensers. From there a moving walkway dumps them back on the street". Ms. Shea Lo adds, "There, they just got served and no law was broken. Later, Bye. Oh and we only sell them the things they seem to never have enough of, so we're providing a public service really".

Forming a positive leadership model that young women can aspire to, rubs some men the wrong way. "Well, you'd have to try pretty hard to rub me the wrong way", says New Jersey bus driver Sal Minelli. "In fact, no matter which way you rub me, it still feels pretty good". Minelli doesn't mind the investment in a new store, but seems opposed to it being known for Women's only goods and services. "Why can't it be a pizza parlor, eh?", says Minelli. "Guys like pizza. Chicks like pizza".

"That's only when they're too cheap to take us to a real restaurant", replies Godiva. "And paper napkins are another dead give away. Treat us like ladies, and we might treat you like men. Maybe. If you've shaven and bathed, anyway."

"Eventually they will get the hint about our boutique", says Mudder. "You won't find a single Tom Clancy, Dan Brown, Stephen King, Michael Crighton, or Larry McMurtry novel on our shelves and I guarantee you we don't expect them to be shopping for nail polish and a matching bangle".

Still, the grand opening of the New York location was met with a small group of male protesters, not one under 40 and all primed for a verbal fight. Ms. Godiva met them with an offer of a free gift certificate for their significant others, if they had one of course. One man, identified himself only as "Monkey", which alone prompted Godiva to respond, "Yes, of course you are". Monkey, the apparent rabble rouser in the bunch shot back, "Gee, that was a good one. Is that the best a little girl like you can do?"

With a hushed crowd in the background, Godiva loaded both proverbial barrels and then let the man have it. "Gee? Like in Gee, I don't know. Better yet, Gee, YOU don't know. The letter G, just one of many letters of the alphabet or female arousal spots you couldn't find with a map, a GPS or even with the hand of a female partner if she put your finger on it herself. You're wearing your lunch on your shirt, I can smell the fact that you clearly don't know how to wipe yourself, and your mouth looks as if the spinach you ate last week is still lodged between those yellow kernels of corn you call teeth, except for the fact that you haven't ever eaten spinach or anything remotely healthy, based solely on the diameter of your waistline of course".

The man named Monkey, fumbled for a moment, looked up at the sky, developed a grin and replied, "Oh yeah? You suck pussy!".

"Honey", Godiva replied. "I prefer cock actually, but I can see there isn't anything here in this crowd but noodles and fish bait." With a wave of her hand, Godiva with Mudder and Charpa at her side, cut the ceremonial red ribbon and called to the sisterhood that had gathered on the streets to come on in for free Cappuccino and Biscotti.

Queen's Charpa Image, coming to a gender tolerant town near you.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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