Sometimes in life, especially when you're growin' older and always forgettin' where you put your dentures, a man likes to write down some of the things he's learned. Sometimes, this is done to pass down your wisdom to future generations. Other times, it's to make money by selling stuff to a magazine or because you're hopin' to git a book contract.
This isn't any of those. This one's just cuz I felt like and I'm constipated and the computer room is right next to the bathroom. When my bowels decide to start moving, lesson time is done!
Anyway, here are some of my philosophies of life, along with observations and bits of wisdom gained in my many years of being a surly old fart:
Life's Questions
1. If Colonel Sander's breasts are finger lickin' good, why don't I want to lick my fingers after rubbing on Maybelline's or Edna's titties?
2. I ain't sayin' he was guilty of doin' nothin' to young kids, but did you notice the Vienna Boy's Choir didn't sing at Michael Jackson's Funeral?
3. If Paris Hilton didn't take her name from the place she was conceived, did she get it from the hotel with her favorite mattresses and where her knees get the fewest rug burns?
4. Did you ever wonder if an astronaut's farts blow them across to the other side of the International Space Station?
Life's Observations
1. I'll never understand putting an NFL football team in Fudge Packing City. They should just call them the San Fagcisco 69'ers and be done with it.
2. They say that if you lie down with dogs, you might catch fleas. You'll get worse than that if you lie down with the girls in my neighborhood.
3. They say that the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach.. unless he's a raghead shi'ite terrorist... and then it's with an AK-47.
4. It's pretty sorry when you realize that more boys these days have seen naked pictures of girls online than have ever had to try to hide Playboy under their mattress.
5. If'n you take trailer trash out of the mobile home park, dress 'em up in fancy duds, and let 'em get skanky with professional jocks, they call that bein' a Hollywood Starlet (ask Britney).
6. I don't understand why women got to bikini wax and shave their privates now days... it don't make 'em taste or smell any less fishy.
7. These kids today ain't got no respect for their balls. In my days, we called 'em the family jewels and took care not to hurt 'em. These morons call 'em their junk.
8. Don't pay $200 to a urologist (pecker checker) to make sure your Johnson works. Most girls whose names are on the bathroom wall will do it for half that much.
9. You know you're in trouble if a girl brings a Bible on the first date, ...unless she wants to act out Song of Solomon.
10. Life will never be perfect for everyone. While we all think Woody Woodpecker has it easy with his constant erection and never having to worry about crabs, I'm sure he's scared of termites.
11. That Nancy Pelosi woman ought to be arrested for murder. She's probably killed more boners than any other female, alive or dead.
12. It's better to have a flat chested wife, cuz when she's old, she won't have to move her titties aside when she buckles her pants.
13. You always end up in a public bathroom with no toilet paper whenever you've got the trots (diaherria for you city folks), and never discover that fact until after you've done your business.
14. Ain't nothing much more embarrassing than trying to dig your shorts out of your crack when you're walking your daughter down the aisle... unless it's her digging 'em out of her crack.
15. It's a law of nature that says the stinkiest fart you ever cut in your life will be when you alone with the hottest girl you'll ever date (...and first date, naturally).
16. Some days are just made to be wasted. Unfortunately for me, that's usually three or four a week.
My Versions of "Old Sayings"
1. Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Fart, and they point their fingers.
2. You can lead a redneck girl to water, but you can't make her skinny dip until you get a few beers in her.
3. If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If, however, life gives you the clap, that girl weren't no virgin.
4. It ain't the size of the booger that counts, it's whose food you can sneak it into.
5. If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If life gives your girlfriend tampons, you ain't gettin' any this weekend.
6. If it looks too good to be true, the gov'ment probably already screwed it up.
My Rules For Living
1. Never skinny dip in the same water with a catfish, cuz it might prick yer prick.
2. If you gotta fart in a hot tub, make sure the bubble maker's and water jets are on first.
3. Never ask a date to bait your hook on the first date unless she remembered to bring the night crawlers herself.
4. The first bug to hit a clean windshield will be a big juicy one and splatter lots of guts right between the driver's eyes (and your wipers won't wash it off).
5. A man should keep what he wants to from what he earns. We shouldn't all live in a share and share alike communism and socialism stuff. If this was true, Dolly Parton would be sharing some of her overabundance of titty with some unfortunate, lesser endowed women.
I'm done now; I hope I can take a good, long, healthy dump and finish the sports section. If this wisdom of the ages and sages didn't help learn you something about life, you're probably one of those morons who voted for Obama.
