Wednesday, 28 April 2010

image for Pissed Off White Guys' Worst Nightmare Speaks Out
"Angry white guys?" Are you freaking kidding me? When I get my hands on you...

As the U.S. finally begins to show signs of economic recovery - after 8 years with the nation's first Master of Business Administration at the helm - rich guys everywhere, hoping for a mid-term election upset, have begun pandering to America's largest voting bloc: Less privileged whites, including uneducated rural Christians, homophobic rednecks, trailer park trash, even racist bigots who wear the nation's uniform.

One guy isn't falling for it. He's just one guy, and that isn't going to decide any elections. Yes, he's a white guy, but the color of his skin is unimportant.

Been there, done that, he says, and it ain't pretty; he was adopted and raised by a typical dirt-poor, angry white family from the same bloc of infrequent voters now being courted. He understands all too well that sometimes, when parents feel compelled to move into a trailer park far, far away from all the rules and regulations of the big city with its nice houses, there can be some very bad reasons for that.

He has been paying social security and income taxes since the age of 13, though he never got to keep the income until he hit the streets at 16.

These humble beginnings have led him to more of the same, though he is too proud to have ever taken a penny in unemployment compensation, preferring to work even if no one will hire him for a better job.

He isn't looking for a handout, but he would like to make something of himself so he can help make sure more kids don't have to grow up like he did. That's a tall order, because it means not only overcoming his character flaws, but also eliminating violence, poverty, and ignorance in America.

He has become a fiercely independent thinker, firmly grounded in science, and employs many different means and media to educate himself.

He is not gullible. Ever since he was a child, he never accepted anything at face value. He had to take things apart and see how they worked. He never accepted what he heard or saw until he could verify it and understand the principles and processes involved.

Buzzwords like "disenfranchised," "marginalized" and "voiceless" resonate strongly with him, considering Al Gore won the popular vote, people who "never really fit in" commit ugly mass homicides almost daily, and there's still not one fuel cell powering an automobile on American roadways despite the fact that NASA has been powering satellites with them since the 60's.

He believes the founding fathers wanted to protect the rights of the people, and used language in the Constitution which would make it essentially a "living document," open to future interpretation as times change and the governmental needs of Americans evolve.

He is especially bothered by NRA hardcases who are too stubborn to realize most Americans don't agree with them. He's frustrated by their militant attempts to deprive him of a well-regulated militia as guaranteed by the 2nd Amendment. Airplane crashes can kill people, he says, and so can car crashes, prescription drugs, mishandled food, faulty wiring, and houses built on floodplains. So, all of these are regulated to help prevent people from dying.

"Why should guns be any different?" he asks.

He's a hard man, who has endured much and worked hard his whole life. He's willing to put up his dukes to defend his honor, but he's not willing to kill people in foreign lands to promote his values. Though he would die or kill if absolutely necessary, he would rather spend his time determining the causes of violence and war and working to find solutions.

He struggles to define "freedom" in America, which has the highest documented incarceration rate in the world, and the highest total documented prison and jail population in the world.

He was incensed while watching the Hurricane Katrina evacuation on TV. He believes a lack of foresight demonstrated by failure to utilize 3 empty lanes of highway leading into New Orleans for emergency outbound traffic indicates a much larger problem hinted at by Kanye West, as does the levee failure, predicted by the Army Corps of Engineers. These were both incredible and tragic.

He is angered and disappointed at the perpetuation of racist stereotypes, like when white record company executives heavily promoted gangster rap to counteract the rise of socially conscious rap music in the late 80's and early 90's.

He's the kind of guy who wonders why there are 1,500,000,000 starving people in the world, but 1,500,000,000 cows fattening up for slaughter.

He knows exactly what's happening when you turn the key in your car's ignition, or flip that light switch without even thinking about it.

He's a thinking man's man, the kind of guy who would rather learn how to play piano than watch football, would rather paint a picture than pay to see one.

The kind of guy who pukes when Taylor Swift gets an album of the year award for pairing her high school poetry with the same worn out 4-chord progressions every other artist in the business has already used to sell millions.

The kind of guy who hated himself for laughing when Jessica Simpson's dog got eaten by a coyote because she had previously taken a swipe at Carrie Underwood for being a vegetarian.

He no longer drinks, and rarely eats meat - meaning infrequently. He eats fish more frequently. He generally takes good care of himself, but he still struggles with a smoking habit - after all, his mom used to smoke while she bottle fed him.

He is divorced, never remarried, and has no children. He sometimes volunteers to help needy kids, but not nearly enough.

Some women have loved him, and some have hated him, but they all know he's not a "faggoty dishrag," and also know that someone might get punched in the nose for suggesting otherwise on one of his bad days.

He doesn't know for sure if this makes him a metrosexual, but he isn't afraid to open doors for both men and women, and appreciates a "thank you." While he seldom uses the terms "sir" and "ma'am," except at work, he always says please and thank you when appropriate.

He holds liberal ideals, but he's not a Republican or a Democrat, because both parties are out of touch with reality. He's no Libertarian either, because they want to have their cake and eat it too, making them as out of touch as the Republocrats. And he knows the Green Party will never get off the ground unless it is a grass roots movement involving choices made at a personal level among Americans of all classes.

He is generally frustrated at pervasive, economically conservative bias in the media and the rampant destruction of our planet and its atmosphere, regardless of which party is in charge.

He would like to see federal income taxes abolished in favor of a 20% sales tax on everything but groceries. He thinks this would eliminate millions of words from tax codes that offer extensive loopholes for the rich, meaning he would no longer pay more than his fair share of taxes.

He believes that everyone should work hard, and that going to meetings, making phone calls, and shuffling numbers on paper is not hard work, because he's done that before, too. No one, he says, can work a million times harder than him, nor is anyone a million times smarter than him. So, why should they make a billion times more money?

He says people who do make that much money often do so by having their companies hire illegal immigrants willing to work for lower wages - like parking valets - and sometimes, they simply export American jobs overseas to desperate foreigners who will work for even lower wages than that.

He understands that opportunistic executives really only care about making money. When they say they create jobs, he says, they are lying. They merely tap into demand that already exists, using their stash of cash to start corporations that funnel even more money into their already fat pockets. They are parasites. Leeches.

When their demand taps out and new jobs are needed, they don't create jobs, they cut them, then try to squeeze blood from turnips.

Talented, creative, intelligent people who invent new products, make music, write books, and make scientific breakthroughs are who really create jobs, he says.

That's when the less creative, less intelligent leeches they work for latch on and suck up the ideas, and all the money they generate, practically bursting their leech pockets.

And that's why, when lying, cheating, hypocrites stand up for the wealthy and point their fingers at groups like ACORN, which was set up to assist less privileged low and moderate income Americans, it angers him.

When he sees the homicide rate in the U.S., affecting even our children, he wonders why people still buy their kids toy guns, and violent video games, and tickets to violent movies.

He was brought up in a highly abusive environment by a couple of vicious blue-collar conservative bastards, and has worked hard to make it even this far - he still deals with the effects, and sometimes has nightmares.

Now, millions of overweight, ignorant, venom-spewing radicals like them have joined the ranks of the 'Tea Baggers,' emblazoning signs with mixed-up Nazi and Marxist propaganda, bitching and griping because government is necessary in a nation of millions of mixed-up, bitching, griping, overweight, ignorant, venom-spewing radicals who don't know the difference between Hitler and Marx.

He bitches and gripes too, yet loathes those who imply he hasn't been able to achieve more through some fault of his own. Nevertheless, he realizes that, because of his background, they are at least partially correct.

Well, he's tired of getting it in the neck by those who have had more privileges than him, and he's ready for a revolution. He's not a member of the NRA, but he's ready to fight, he remembers what happened to Marie Antoinette, and that does not bother him at all.

Yes, he believes in peace and harmony, but he wants a fair shake, and he's willing to fight for it. And there are many millions of Americans just like him, of all colors, cultures, genders, and sexual orientations.

Bring on your "pissed off white guys." We're not scared.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Politics

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