'Shite Christmas' by Bing Crosby and Wossername released

Funny story written by matwil

Thursday, 3 December 2009

image for 'Shite Christmas' by Bing Crosby and Wossername released
'How can we invent a new pagan religion for the Romans, Saul?' 'Let's just use your son'

'I'm dreaming of a shite Christmas
Just like the shite I used to know
With ghastly movies, and hated aunties
A nightmare for all plus ice and snow

I'm dreaming of a shite Christmas
Even though my toes are turning blue
E-coli'd turkey, or cheap salami
And baloney about Christ that just ain't true

I'm dreaming of a shite Christmas
Even though it's Saturnalia
A faked resurrection, three kings and a virgin
All inventions from America

I'm dreaming of a shite Christmas
A pagan feast hijacked by good old Paul
Not Paul McCartney, but Saul of Tarsus
Mithra's birthday with names changed for all

I'm dreaming of a shite Christmas
A working day in Scotland til TV
Where Proddies aren't fooled and, know Christmas is a huge fraud
You can't fool all the people there hee hee

I'm dreaming of a shite Christmas
Jesus who was born on Christmas Day
Funny how for three hun -, dred years people thought that
He was actually born in January

I'm dreaming of a shite Christmas
Lies invented to make people rich
Suckers buy cards/presents, and go to church for penance
Might as well throw your cash in a ditch

I'm dreaming of a shite Christmas
Bleating bishops waffling lots of cack
With Santa Claus invented, by the Coca-Cola Company
Is why he always wears red white and black

I'm dreaming of a shite Christmas
I hope there's floods to spoil that dreadful day
And indigestion, and salmonella
Thankfully it soon is Hogmanay

(Words by Irving McBerlin-Hamburger, Music by Lord McMacca of Sussex; produced by George Formby; mixed by Bing Crosby's golf caddy; remastered by A. Passing Pigeon; recorded at Glemmorangie Studios in Edinburgh;

entire nation of Scotland excommunicated a thousand years ago by Pope Hippocriticus the Lying One; stunts by Jesus the Nazarene and Joseph of Aramathea and a Roman soldier; perfectly normal human birth by Mary, mother of Jesus; wine supplied by WaterIntoWines Inc of Gallilee, bread by The Feed5000Corp; apples by NoCheapPuns'r'Us Corporation;

resurrections that never happened and virgin births by Saul of Tarsus, copied from pagan religions; gigantic feast of food and drink on the 21st of December by Saturn Ali; gigantic feast of food and drink on the 25th to celebrate Mithra's birthday by Zoroastrians; rebirth of new life at the Spring Equinox by the pagan god of Easter;

the 25th of December and Easter both changed to the birthday and resurrection of Jesus by Saul of Tarsus; tasty kosher Jewish food by Mary Magdalene and The Disciples; Mary and Jesus's wedding at Cana rewritten by Saul of Tarsus; not believing a word about Christmas jointly held by over 98% of the human population; sheep noises by the Right Reverend Dr. Somebody, Archbishop of Bleatingbury;

dresses by RatzingerNazi & O'Mussolini Brothers, Roma; mystery how a normal Jewish man who preached humility and forgiveness and was crucified by the Romans turned into a resurrected god explained away by Saul di Tarsini; religion moved to Rome by Saulo Tarsusso; downright fiction written about Jesus by Sean O'Tarsus;

Christmas not only not celebrated but also totally ignored by over 98% of the world's population; widespread child abuse for centuries carefully ignored by the last 14 Popes; men in purple dresses allowed to hang around little boys ignored by last 14 Popes; Christmas correctly made illegal by Oliver Cromwell;

Christmas brought back by RipOffToys'n'Kards; every pagan festival day of the year taken over by Pope Falsehood of that Bilge; cat food by ThrowEm2DeLions Ltd; nonsense about a 'second coming' invented by Saul of Misuse, as would be 'third' if resurrection nonsense is believed; profits made by P.T Barnum and Philip Windsorkopf of 1BornEveriMin;

thanks also to Pope Benedictus the XXIXXIXCCCMMDII for giving us all a good laugh on Christmas Day, carefully never actually saying Jesus was born then, as it isn't true, but just waving and waffling some crap about peace anyway, and hoping that no-one asks him about Jesus being a normal human born in January who survived his own crucifixion and was married and probably had children.

Well, there's no money to made out of the truth, is there, Herr Ratzinger? Christmas - a load of shite invented by the Romans to control the pagans who made up their Empire.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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