O' Halloran - Murder with a Capital Punishment - Part 8

Funny story written by Jesus Budda

Thursday, 3 December 2009


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Previous Chapters: Part 1|Part 2|Part 3|Part 4|Part 5|Part 6|Part 7

Part 8

"I'll never reveal where I keep the time machine or the dastardly plot behind all the killings, O' Halloran! Torture me if you like, but I'll never talk", snarls the midget French guy as O' Halloran circles him, then does a little pirouette and then finally the splits before continuing his circling.

"Torture you? That's nice. I like that", O' Halloran smiles as he does his best Michael Madson impression.

But then he remembers that Michael Madson was not only in Reservoir Dogs but also Free Willy. Ahhh, Free Willy, the film that made him cry on the sofa all those years ago as he watched it with his beloved Bilbo Baggins.

"Whatsamatter, O' 'Alloran? You sad becasue your donkey is dead and you can no longer watch Free Willy with him?", sneers the French prick.

"Why you little!", snaps O' Halloran as he slaps the man on the head and then proceeds to cut off his ear.

But still the Frenchy keeps on chuckling.
"Whatsamatter, O' 'Alloran? You not man enough to cut off my other ear becasue your beloved robo female cop is dead?", he grins.

O' Halloran then slices off the other ear but still the fucking French idiot keeps grinning and taunting.
"Whatsamatter, O' 'Alloran? You not man enough to cut off my cock and balls? Go on, O' 'Alloran, I bet you're not man enough!".

And naturally O' Halloran obliges by slicing off his nether regions and flings them out the window to be gobbled up by a passing hungry schoolgirl (Hungarian schoolgirls being common is this part of France at the time).

"Ha ha? O' 'Alloran, you're not man enough to cut off both my arms and my legs and then my rectum!!!", He mocks.

O' Halloran is now getting really pissed off. No matter how many body parts he slices from the French midget he just keeps on taunting and mocking as if he is completely unaffected.

"Even without my balls, O' 'Alloran, I am more of a man than yooo!", he jeers.

Lost for words and confused with what to do next, O' Halloran slumps into an armchair and ponders his next move. Doris, who has been watching through the keyhole, enters the room and stands above both men.

"Look at my bootiful rug! It is ruined! Stand back, o' Halloran. I will take over. I know how to make this animal talk", she triumphantly announces.

"But how?", he asks dumbfounded.

She slips off her dress to reveal her naked body.
"With this", she says, caressing her curves, "no man can resist the womanly charms of Doris!"

O' Halloran looks her up and down. He thinks of the previous chapter where they made such beautiful love in this very room: positions he never even thought possible. Who could have imagined that a big toe could fit up there while balancing on his ear? He was so overcome with her sexiness that he made a note in his journal.
It read:
Tuesday: Made love to a beautiful mysterious lady from several hundred years in the past named Doris. Thought me things that can only be learned through experience: a bit like making a sugar sandwich - the idea sounds disgusting but once you try it you know how good it really tastes…

He even drew a little diagram of some of the positions so that he could send them off to the local children's art completion. That would impress the judges at last. Thirty four years of entering under an assumed name and age and nothing. Nada. Nill. Zilch. The big zero. Well, this time he was gonna fake his way to victory and take top spot. He could beat Bestsy Browne's crappy flowerpot scribbles or even Johnny Bulger's 'airplane in crayon' masterpieces. Yeah, this was his time to shine. To prove that he was good enough to beat children the way his father did, the old drunk…

"O' Halloran! Snap out of it. Focus on the fucking story at hand!", demands Doris as she splashes a glass of cool water on his face.

He looks back up at Doris standing naked and tries t recall how the plot took this bizarre turn. Ahh, yes! She was about to entice the truth from that smug French midget!
The French midget - who now is nothing more than a mouth and tongue - drools excitedly at the sight before his, ahem, mouth and tongue.
"Oooh, baybeeee! I tell you anything just so I can gaze some more at your lovely bodeeeee…", he slurs.

"Why are you killing all this innocent smelly homeless people as well as the occasional Ipswich town supporter?", Doris inquires as she massages her breasts and dangles them tempting in front of the midget.

"It's zeee revolution, baybeeee. I transfer all zeee posh toffs into the future to live in zeee upper middle class areas of PsychoTown and then switch their places with zeee hobo's and Ipswich Town supporters who nobody will miss. I execute them so that zeee people will think that zeee aristocracy and bourgeois classes are being wiped out when in fact they are living in the relative comfort of suburbia. Ingenious, non?"

O' Halloran and Doris glance at each other before replying in unison: "Fuck no!"

"What do yooo mean? It is a genius plan only worthy of a genius like me"
"That is the stupidest plan I have ever heard in all my years of police service and working in a gay bar", O' Halloran says

"You fucking fool, O' 'Alloran! Don't you get it? Pretty soon your future city will be overrun with snooty French knobheads who will overtakezeee local government and rule zeee entire metropolis of PsychoTown...and then zee World! Mwa-ha-ha-haw!"

"You know what? He's right, O ' Halloran. Those sneaky French fucks will take control of everything your people hold sacred: bad daytime confessional television; crap non-celebrity-themed endurance shows; Ant and Dec shite; and Bisto. When the French take hold you will be inflicted with pretentious films set in coffeehouses; Johnny Halliday; and berets! I am even shocked by this and I am French!", says Doris, pushing her overflowing bosom's back inside her tight dress..

"You know what? You are right. This is an evil plan: the future of the future is in jeopardy!"

"Mwah-ha-ha-haw! Now you get it, Baybee!"

"Oh, shut the fuck up, you!", O'' Halloran punches the French midget (who is now just a mouth and tongue, remember)

"Where is the time machine, you little fucking shit?"

"Zee device controls are 'idden in zeee basket beneath the guillotine: zeee basket into which zee severed heads fall. But to get to it yoooo must first be condemned to be executed for only I am zee one with permission to approach zeee guillotine. Mwa-ha-ha-haw!"
O' Halloran is left with a major dilemma: he can only save PsychoTown by sacrificing himself to the executioner or he can walk away.

"Well, I've given this careful thought an I've come to the decision that I'm gonna let PsychoTown be destroyed", he says after a brief moment to mull things over.

"'O' Halloran!", Doris says in shock, "How could you? As a former cop you have a duty to the people"

She's got him on that point and he knows it. This is no time to chicken out like a cowardly chicken who is afraid to cross the road because of a previous uncomfortable incident when he was just an egg. No, this is a moment to stand up and fight for what is right.

"Fuck that shit! I'm gonna save the World if it means sacrificing my own life for the common good!".

Doris kisses him and cheers: "Hooray, O' Halloran! My hero"

Still, she will have to wait until Chapter 9 to find out what the fuck happens next….

Continue to Part 9

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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