The leader of the Communist Party of Great Britain, Trevor Griff-Griff-Griffiffifths, spoke exclusively today to TheSpoof and described how he realised that the party's ideas were "all nonsense" and "could never work".
Mr Griff-Griff-Griffiffifths became leader in 2004, a move which he now describes as a mistake. He said, "I thought it would be cool - all the T-shirts with Che Guevara, the sense of rebellion. It was like joining a gang. I mean, I didn't realise Guevara was a psychotic murderer. They really misled me."
He went on: "It was only today when I read our party's entry on Wikipedia that I fully realised what I'd gotten myself in for. I thought when everyone called me comrade they were being ironic. It turns out they think that the Soviet Union was a force for good in the world and that Stalin was only 'a little misguided'."
Mr Griff-Griff-Griffiffifths then explained how he thought his party's policies must have been "dreamt up by a lunatic":
"Our manifesto says we want to nationalise industry in order to boost the economy and raise the general standard of living. But if we nationalise all industry, they'll no longer be motivated to make profit and be efficient. They will have the security of knowing that the government will bail them out if they do badly, and so it's only a matter of time before the economy stagnates and begins to fail - just like it did in Soviet Russia.
"It also says we're going to invest massively in the economy to provide jobs for everyone, AND pay for everyone's health, education and recreation, AND reduce the tax burden for working people. How the hell are we going to afford all that? The only tax increase I can see is that we're apparently going to steal all the rich people's money, which sounds a little immoral if you ask me. And what about once we've taken away all their money, would there really be enough to go round? What if someone saves up their money in a bank account and inadvertently becomes rich again?
"We'd probably have to find rich foreign people and steal their money too. Maybe we could start companies abroad which could channel foreign wealth into our pockets, a bit like the British Empire used to do. Or is that what the party is supposed to be against?
"And what about all those entrepreneurial rich people who've created a lot of jobs through their own endeavour? The Richard Bransons and Bill Gates's of this world. Do we really want to stifle these people?
"Then there's some nonsense about entering a 'higher phase of communism'! What the hell does that mean? It sounds almost religious. I thought Scientology was bad - by the way, I am also ending my membership of the Church of Scientology today. I really must stop being such a gullible twit and joining all these moronic woolly-headed clubs. I just wanted something to do in the evenings."
Mr Griff-Griff-Griffiffifths is no longer leader of the Communist Party of Great Britain, and has recently rejoined his local Scrabble club.