Invasion of the Killer Lightbulbs

Funny story written by matwil

Tuesday, 1 September 2009

image for Invasion of the Killer Lightbulbs
Careless lightbulbs have ears

[Scene: a dark street in Central London]

'Get yer Daily Wail 'ere! Lightbulbs 'armless!', shouted a newspaper seller beside Waterloo Station, as a heavy fog descended over the houses and the river, and people hurried home from work in the darkening gloom.

The Government had issued a warning on the news about the possibility of Britain being attacked by swarms of mutant alien killer lightbulbs from outer space, but of course the sturdy British people as always ignored such scaremongering. 'British people ignaw guvmint scarewhatsitting!', added the news seller, 'Dahling considers tax on not being scared 'bout nuffink!'

In the nearby Boom and Buster pub, a handful of journalists were mulling over the day's news stories. 'I tell you', Reg Smythe of The Daily Slacker said, 'Brown's gone too far with this one. Swine 'flu, OK, bird 'flu, just a bit silly.'

'New head of the British Army trying to make out his soldiers mass-murdering their way across the Middle East for oil is somehow 'defence', you might just about believe that load of crap, well, if you were a brain-dead imbecile or an American President! But being attacked by killer lightbulbs? Do me a favour, hahahaha ...'

But Daily Wail Scare Editor Sir Heinrich Westlehurst didn't agree with the Slacker reporter. 'I have it on good authority that the Bubble telescope has spotted flickering lights in the Perseus constellation', he said, 'and that the Met. Office has recorded a decrease of darkness at night in the last few days. Maybe there will be an attack.'

At that moment there was a sudden scream from outside, and the news seller ran into the pub. 'It's gorn and 'appened, like the guvmint said it would!', he gasped. 'Them lightbulbs 'as gone and done nowt but attacked south London, by 'eck!', he added, breaking into a South Yorkshire accent in his panic.

'Quick!', shouted Westlehurst, 'get out your free Daily Wail incandescent bulbs!', but as nobody ever bought that newspaper the drinkers in the pub were forced to help themselves to Westlehurst's supply.

And soon the journalists were cowering behind defences made out of crates of bottles of spirits, as the killer lightbulbs began attacking house after house all round the pub, crushing men, women and children before them, as they flickered and overglared them to death.

The Army had bravely attempted to repel the invaders, but as most of them were away in Asia shooting Afghan heroin dealers the killer lightbulbs brushed them aside like Americans in Vietnam.

Soon the pub was surrounded by the mutant monsters, and the head of the alien killer lightbulbs shouted: 'Put all those bottles of Scotch down, and come out with your hands up!' 'Never!', came back from Sir Heinrich, 'we are British, and we shall fight progress in the pubs, we shall fight it in the bistros and cafes, we shall fight progress with growing confidence across the pages of the Daily Wail!'

'We shall drink whisky and whatever the hell this stuff I'm swigging is - aadvocaat? - on the beaches, we shall fight progress in the lunchtime expenses claim forms from our editors in Wapping, we shall never -' and was promptly electrocuted to death when a Victorian 100 watt lightbulb above him exploded and showered him with molten tungsten, shorting him with the mains supply of Central West London.

The alien mutant killer lightbulbs were eventually defeated after months of heavy fighting across south-east England, and the Army's leader, Sir Oswald Mainwaring, said: 'Never in the field of human conflict was so little owed by so few to so many overpaid hacks at The Daily Wail.'

'If it wasn't for our brave boys on the front line of headline writing, we'd have fully joined the EU 30 years ago and had all the benefits of cheap European produce, peace in Western Europe, and lots of decent, hard-working immigrants to boost our economy. Lucky for us we delayed all that for decades. Now where did I put my box of incandescent lightbulbs painted with the Union Jack?'

[Credits roll. Shout of 'Put that light out!' from a passing Antieuropean Rabid Wailreading officer]

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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