Written by Kent Pete

Tuesday, 4 August 2009


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image for Dear Kent Pete: I'm too ugly to have a girlfriend

Dear Kent Pete:

I really want to feel good about myself and to have a girlfriend but I'm too ugly and too boring.

I'm 34 and have never had a partner.

I look at my mates and they are definitely more attractive and more confident.

You can see from my from the photo that I am not good-looking .I have such a big nose. I ask you to be sensitive and not publish my image, it would be more than I could bare.

I'm not friends with many women and hardly ever meet new people as I work in a Lighthouse.

When I do go out I tend to go into pubs alone. I will often go into panic mode, worrying about what people are going to think about me, because I'm so horrible to look at. This normally ends up in me drinking too much and I have recently been diagnosed with a fatty liver.

Please help.

Lighthouse Dave 34, Eddystone

Kent Pete says:

Once we start to feel down about ourselves, it's easy to see only the negative bits.

Look at celebrities over the years, many of them are no oil paintings, the Elephant Man for example.

It's their personality that counts.

Thank you for enclosing your photograph. Of course I totally respect your request and would in no way publish the image against your wishes. The Spoof is above all else a sensitive website.

It is true that your nose is slightly larger than the average but many famous and successful people have had a similar infliction but it did not stop them reaching the top, Indira Gandhi to name but three.

Even if you're shy, being a good listener and interested in other people, will get you a long way with the sort of girl who is likely to make a caring partner.

Could you learn to do something that would attract their attention? Magicians are never short of admirers.

Could you not learn a few tricks to take out to the pub with you. I guarantee that if, when you were ordering a drink, you suddenly clicked your fingers and appeared on the other side of the bar, people would become very interested indeed. Watch some David Blaine on TV, he is excellent at that kind of stuff.

My free leaflet about shyness will help but you have to make the effort to get out and look for new interests and new friends because friendship often blossoms into romance. Don't think that you have to rush into the physical side of things. I have been married to Mrs Steve for over 15 years and we still haven't had sex.

Think what clubs and interests you could check out which may attract women too. I would even consider voluntary work. However stay clear of the Cancer trusts. As worthy as they may be you don't want to end up biting off more than you can chew.

When you meet new women try to be interested in them however dull they may be. Don't worry about what they are thinking about you. Be confident. Wink if it's appropriate to do so. Perhaps undo a few buttons on your shirt.(*). Remember the worst thing that could happen is that the lady runs out of the pub in terror and places a restraining order against you.

If you still seriously think your nose is blighting your social life, check with your GP, who can refer you for surgery if he thinks it is a real problem. You can find a list of local surgeons who specialise in rhinoplasty at www.wenosebest.co.uk

(*) A word of warning, under no circumstances undo a few buttons on your trousers unless you are 101% sure about the situation. Legal representation can be very expensive nowadays.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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