New Adverts That Tell The Truth

Funny story written by matwil

Thursday, 23 July 2009

image for New Adverts That Tell The Truth
'Oh no! Not that blasted car insurance dog AGAIN!'

Are you tired of insincere gits on television trying to make car insurance and mending roofs interesting? Then why not tune into Britain's new 24-hour a day commercial channel, that shows nothing but adverts that tell the truth about the products they are advertising. Here are a few of them:

'For hands that do dishes, and catch blisters and ridges, harsh chemical, Fairly Liquid'.

'Are you paying too much for your car insurance, to fund an out-of-work hasbeen from the 1980s, pretending to be a one-catchphrase irritating cartoon dog? Oh yes! Puts the 'ill' back into car insurance.'

'For cheap, processed, tinned food that gives you horrendous wind problems, Beanz Meanz TheRunz.'

'Mmm, doesn't that bar of chocolate look nice? Just like my grotesquely obese stomach looks nice, and my rotting teeth and XXX-size clothes. Chavbury's Flake, puts the flab back quicker than eating 25 greasy sausage rolls and chips every day.'

''I'd like to con the world to drink, a green poisonous liquid cleaner for steel ships; I'd dye it black, add some gas, and condemn millions across the world to death from slow poisoning'. It's unreal how people are dumb enough to drink it.'

Tired of endless holdups at airports? Sick of your luggage going missing? Then why not fly Al-Qaeda Airways, our planes are guaranteed to fly safely through the world's most heavily defended airspace near New York City without being noticed. And our landings are instant, plus of course we'll have the landing area demolished in a few hours, just in case anyone suggests Al-Qaeda is really run by Central Intelligent Airways, the CIA.'

'Want an excuse to leer at Davina McColl? Think she's still a babe in her 40s? Then stop what you're doing, and pay attention when she appears in that ad. for hair dye.'

'Get heartburn and trapped wind? Not keen on eating baked beans or curries? Then waste your money on the quack remedy called DoshHazgon. DoshHazgon sorts out heartburn in the short term, but slowly damages your stomach. Thus leading to worse and worse heartburn over the years. DoshHazgon, for mugs who believe all they hear on TV'.

'Need a lawyer to take on a case against The Unfreemasons for unfair dismissal at work? Then forget it, you might as well try and persuade The Pope to become a minister in the Free Church of Scotland. In fact you've got more chance of winning such a case as an Irish 'freedom-fighter' does of staying out of Hell, which is none at all. But to make us more money, dial this premium rate phone number, 0898 666 6666, calls may be recorded and used against you, if you find yourself committing suicide under Blackfriars Bridge in London.'

And last but not least - ''Want to vote for a political party with no policies, and a bland, anonymous leader? Want British politics dumbed-down to the almost cretinous level of politics in the USA? Want a party that is everything to everybody, but really stands for nothing at all?'

'Then Vote LibLabTory, your wasted vote gives the crooks that run those parties an excuse to steal your taxes, while America and the EU decide what the United Kingdom now does.'

'And gives the brain-dead thugs of the British Swineflu Party a chance to make a lot of noise, to the embarrassment of the ever-tolerant and decent British people.' That was a party political broadcaszzzzzz ...'

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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