Hebrew For Beginners

Funny story written by matwil

Friday, 19 June 2009

image for Hebrew For Beginners
'Krime-war, kriminals-war, nazis in tel aviv ...

Hebrew is one of the world's oldest languages, so why not expand your horizons and learn it today? Here are some phrases to get you started:

'Moshe dayan war kriminal' is heard a lot in Israel, and means 'We are a peaceful and caring people, honest', and is similar to the greetings 'Ariel sharon war krimez' and 'Anotha lebanese massakre'. 'Amerikani idioti do' as their toldd' is a useful way of ending any conversations in Tel Aviv, or anywhere in the United States of America, as is 'Telee visi moronz b'leev Amerikann newz'.

If you go into any shop in Gaza City there are many ways of introducing yourself. 'Yur waterr iz qut ov againn' and 'Stone-thrwing kidsr terrorists' are Hebrew for 'Cowards shoot little children for throwing rocks at them', and 'Nazis wud b'e proud ov uz' means 'the Warsaw Ghetto has been recreated in Gaza.'

Travelling through Israel is a rewarding experience, as there are so many reminders of its ancient history. In the west of the country there are the great ruins of Hospital, where the mighty king of Judah, King Murder, lay siege to his enemies the Patients, and of course there are still a few remaining walls standing of the ancient city of School,

where little children used to harmlessly learn about history and science until King Murder had the city destroyed, on the grounds of 'I was bored shooting rock-throwing children, thought it might be fun to blow them up in schools instead.'

The Hebrew phrase 'Dis'grace to al J'wish people acros t'e world' will be warmly received in the western regions, meaning 'How these fascists get away with it is beyond belief', though it mistranslates as 'Let's play the anti-Semitic card to excuse us from being genocidal child killers and mass-murderers' in the eastern parts, and so should only be used sparingly.

If you're going anywhere on a bus in Israel, saying 'Luk, thoze maniacs hav stolen Arabiq laand' will open any conversation with other passengers, meaning 'Don't those intolerant, inbred Europeans fit in nicely in occupied parts of Jordan?', and, of course, the traditional 'Letz treat Arabs as slaves in th'eir own kountry' is handy if any American tourists are on board, because they won't know what you're talking about.

If one of them says 'We're Christians, and believe Jesus wasn't Jewish, and don't know that Palestinians have owned what is now Israel for 2,000 years until a bunch of violent killers basically stole the land in 1948', your answer has many possible responses in Hebrew.

'Yanqis go 'ome', 'B'ritish kanon fodda', and 'The'y di for oilin Irak' all mean basically the same thing, which is that Americans have a wide knowledge of world history and can win wars, and have not sent their soldiers to the Middle East to die for oil and opium, and have not sent their weapons to arm war criminals.

Or 'Onl'y chldrn wud b'lieve th't outzide Amerika', which is Hebrew for 'There's 250 million of them born every minute, and thanks for sending your taxes to fund the worst fascist nation in the world'.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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