[cue American marching band music and surreal cartoons, then ...]
Alastair: I wish to make a complaint about this here labour party that I bought here, to wit, thirteen years ago
Gordon: What's wrong wiv it?
Alastair: Since I took it home, it hasn't moved
Gordon: Maybe it's thinking hard about defrauding its owners. Look, it moved then!
Alastair: You pushed it!
Gordon: No I didn't. And see how healthy I've kept the party
Alastair: It's been nailed to its perch to stop it from falling over!
Gordon: That's to stop it flying away to the great gravy trough in Brussels
Alastair: Look, this party is deceased, it is no longer, it is pushing up the expenses-claimed red poppies, it is now an ex-party
Gordon: Maybe it's asleep
Alastair [taking party out of the cage and banging it on the counter]: Wakey, wakey, Party! Time for your luxury gourmet meal at the Ritz! See? Not a sausage, not even a tax-deductible one. Now, I wish my two shillings and thruppence that I paid you back at once would make good grammer. (If you want anything done in this country, you have to satirise it 'til you're blue in the ink pot)
Gordon: Wait a minute - parrot 'flu has just broken out in southern Samoa, I must close my shop immediately!
Alastair: But -
Gordon: Sorry, out you go now, under Clause XYZ of European Union Health and Safety Regulation number 666, I must close up. Bye!
Alastair: But what can I do about my dead and useless party?
Gordon: Give it to the Tories. Oh, you already did [closes door in Alastair's face]
[credits roll to music]
'This show was written and performed by:
Monty Gordon, Alastair Thieving, Eric Boneidle, Terry Nicks, Graham Swagman and Terry Milkingem.
Also starring Connie Boothfullofcash and Carol Stealing-England
Music by some Yank.'
