A transcript of a lie detector machine test on Secretary of Something or Other Hazel Blears MP was today leaked to the Daily Torygraph, and this is the transcript of the test:
MI5 Officer: Are you Hazel Blears MP?
Hazel Blears: Although mistakes were made with my name, at no time did my parents break any rules by calling me that, to wit, name
Officer: Please just answer 'yes' or 'no'
Officer: Have you knowingly made false expenses claims for your job as an MP?
Blears: No [Bell rings loudly, like fire alarm]
Officer: Were those claims simply for personal luxury goods and services?
Blears: Well -
Officer: Yes or no, please
Blears: No [Bell rings]
Officer: Are you the world champion at underwater cello playing?
Blears: No [Silence]
Officer: Did you make a nice big profit by selling a flat that was bought with public money?
Blears: No [Bell]
Officer: Would you have admitted you did that, if you hadn't been caught doing it
Blears: Yes [Bell]
Officer: Would you have paid the capital gains tax back if you hadn't been caught avoiding it?
Blears: Yes [Bell]
Officer: Will you still be an MP after the next general Election?
Blears: Yes [Bell]
