07:00 - Get up, and have grilled ptarmigan and coleslaw served on silver dishes, with a half-bottle of Dom Perignon champagne
08:00 - Get servant to wash and dry the dishes
09:00 - Wander out into the garden, pleased to see that lots of money is growing on the trees there
10:00 - Play a game of crocquet with John Prescott, another servant holds his mallett for him
11:00 - Husband appears in garden, being carried on a sedan chair by more servants
12:00 - Decide to have five-course lunch indoors, as a speck of gold dust might be blown onto the food from husband polishing his House of Commons gold bar collection
13:00 - Spent next hour filling in MPs' expense forms, claiming for a holiday in Rome, thirty pairs of leather shoes, eight meals at London's luxury restaurants, the wages of seven servants, the upkeep of four racehorses, an evening at a casino, three rounds of golf at Wentworth, a case of Dom Perignon flown over by helicopter, and a partidge and a pear tree
14:00 - Decide to walk to Parliament for some exercise, but get lost as don't know where it is, so have to hire a fleet of limousines to get back home safely
15:00 - Play husband at a game of 'Monopoly', only with real houses paid for by the taxpayer
15:30 - Sell one of your houses and pocket the cash
16:00 - Pick up a 'Pay Capital Gains Tax' card, but ignore it
16:30 - Set the pedigree, taxpayer-funded dogs on to a journalist, for daring to come round and ask what exactly you do as Secretary of Something or Other, and why it uses up so many expenses
17:00 - Go and have a bath in the gold-plated bath, singing 'If I Ruled The World'
18:00 - Phone up Harrod's, and order a new luxury dinner set
18:02 - Fill in a government expenses claim form for it
18:05 - Go on a public hygiene fact-finding course, held in the Bar Napoletana restaurant over an eight-course meal
19:00 - Go home and begin filling in expenses forms for the day
20:00 - Still filling them in
21:00 - Need to get one of the servants to massage right hand, as sore from filling in the forms
22:00 - Finally finish the forms, have a large 45 year-old House of Commons malt whisky
22:10 - Open Ministerial Despatch box, and start reading contents
22:13 - Finish reading contents
22:15 - Watch an old film on TV
00:00 - Go to bed, and dream of an eight week holiday in Africa. All at taxpayers' expense.
