Written by matwil

Saturday, 16 May 2009

image for Fawlty Towers missing script - 'The Time Warp' - discovered
Don't mention the date

Scene: a hotel in Torquay

Manuel: 'Ah, Meester Fawlty, I have thees birthday cardiac for you'

Basil Fawlty: 'Not now, Manuel, I'm busy doing the books. [Throws card away] My wife is going to help me by having her hair permed in three entirely differing styles'

Manuel: 'But -' [Fawlty punches the Spanish waiter]

Fawlty: 'Well, that's all sorted then, Manuel'

Polly: 'Mr. Fawlty! Can I have a word with you?'

Fawlty: 'I'm doing the books, you silly girl, why does everyone keep interrupting me?'

Polly: 'Please put the books down, I have some bad news'

Fawlty: 'Well? Yes, yes, what is it?'

Polly: 'That sitcom we wrote, well, it first came out in 1976'

Fawlty: 'I know. Next contestant on Mastermind, Polly Wotsit, subject stating the bleeding well-known'

Polly: 'And you're not forgetting that we were married when we wrote the first series, and separated for the second one?'

Fawlty: 'My dear girl, if you think I could for one minute forget -'

Polly: 'It's Mrs. Fawlty! She's come back early!'

Fawlty [panicking]: 'What!'

Polly: 'She must think we wrote our comedy three years after we did! Which would make this year the 30th anniversary of its first showing, and she'll think you've forgotten it!'

Sybil [Entering the hotel lobby]: 'Basil! Does today mean anything to you?'

Fawlty: 'Er ... Battle of Britain day? Anniversary of the first war Americans have ever won on their own?'

Sybil: 'I don't suppose you remember, but today in 1976 we starred in what was to be seen as maybe the greatest British television comedy of all time'

Fawlty: 'The ITN News?'

Sybil [slapping Basil]: 'The thing that you and Connie wrote when you were married. Now get that moose up on the wall, I have an ingrowing toenail to find comedic possibilities about'

Fawlty: 'Yes, dear'

Sybil: 'And if any Americans phone here, tell them they'll never understand the British sense of humour. Just being American needs a strong sense of humour itself!'

Fawlty: 'OK'

Sybil: 'Roadmaps to peace, funding the IRA, arming Israeli war criminals, never winning any wars ... I'm off to Audrey's, Basil, and if you don't get that moose up and change those doors then I'm emigrating to America'

Fawlty: 'Well, fly carefully, dear, and don't fly on any CIA fake-terrorist jets that are allowed twice into New York City by the US government. I don't know, Major, why do we bother?'

The Major: 'Didn't know we did bother, Fawlty. Americans think 'Friends' is a comedy, but we think it's a soap opera for, er, for whatever Red Indians think cricket isn't for'

Fawlty: 'Exactly. And now for the sitcom anniversary, three years too late.

[Camera fades out to a calendar marked '1976', when 'Fawlty Towers' was first shown on television. 33 years ago. In Britain. Go to France, turn left at Caen. The swim does wonders for the appetite]

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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