A letter from Michael Phelps to the POTUS

Saturday, 14 March 2009


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Dear President Obama,

As you may know, I recently used "bad judgment" and engaged in behavior that has landed me in hot water with the American people in general, and Kellogg's in particular.

I'm writing to you today because I'd like to ask a favor. Could you please legalize marijuana, like, immediately? As a politician, I know this is a hot button issue and you must tread lightly between what you believe, and what the American people want to hear. But if there was ever a time to change the laws regarding pot smoking, it's now.

You've gone on record to say that you've tried marijuana, and inhaled, so you know first hand how relaxing it can be. And next time you see Bill Clinton can you please tell him that not inhaling means he missed the point entirely?

President Obama, you've had a rough seven weeks in office and you have your work cut out for you. I know you're pretty stressed out and a giant dooby probably sounds pretty good right now, doesn't it?

I've been thinking, if you legalize marijuana you will bring in a shitload of taxpayer revenue and create all kinds of jobs. Pizza Hut alone will have to hire thousands of deliverymen to meet their customer demands.

I think legalizing marijuana would not only save our country from the big economic pickle we've gotten ourselves into, you could probably retire the national debt by next year. Then you can take a big bong hit to reward yourself for a job well done. It's win-win really.

High Times will probably want to put us on the cover of their magazine. Let's see if Willie Nelson is available to pose with us. I think the three of us would represent a nice cross-section of cannabis supporters, don't you?

Seriously, I'm not suggesting we allow minors anywhere near a bong. There will be plenty of time for pot once they get to college. And I realize there are some de-criminalization issues that will need to be dealt with.

But if you can expedite the legalization of marijuana, I'd really appreciate it. I don't want to get up at the butt crack of dawn and have any more conversations with Matt Lauer on national television.

Until pot smoking is legal, there will always be some ass-munch with a camera phone trying to collect evidence that proves I'm doing shit I didn't want anyone to know about (or in your case a crusty navy blue dress from the Gap, right Billy?)

And Obama? Once the dooby law is passed, how about you and I get super baked and laugh our asses off while watching a celebratory screening of Pineapple Express in the White House movie theater?

I'll bring the munchies.


Michael Phelps

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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