Spoof writer Skoob 1999 has been forced into premature retirement by his overly aggressive homicidal wife.
Mrs Skoob is forcing Skoob to write this live, online.
She is currently standing behind me wielding a cricket bat in one hand and a Stanley knife in the other.I'm pretty scared.
Why are you doing this? I ask her.
'Because you're more bleedin' interested in making strangers laugh than in looking after me,' she says. 'Now get on with it and sign off once and for all.'
'You're just a bully,' I tell her, live on the net. 'You can't stop me from bringing a smile to people's faces in such desperate times.'
'I've got the fucking cricket bat and the stanley knife,' she replies, live on the internet. 'I'm the fucking daddy here. Not you. You fucking wimp. Now go on, get on with it.'
'Had a good day at work love?' I ask in an attempt to defuse the situation.
The cricket bat moves perceptively. The stanley knife glitters in the lamplight.
I realise I'm totally fucked.
Yet another statistic in the domestic violence league.
Anyway, fuck her with her cricket bat and her Stanley knife, I'm off to the fridge for another beer.
Don't let the bastards grind you down.
More as and indeed if I get it.
I don't usually use bad language in my reports but I am very stressed.
Merry Christmas all.