Written by Abel Rodriguez

Friday, 5 December 2008


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image for The Somali Pirates Vs. The USS Nimitz
The USS Nimitz, one of the most powerful warships to ever sail the seven seas

MOGADISHU, Somalia - It is being reported by CNN that the Somali pirates have apparently issued a stern warning to the United States.

The leader of the Somali pirates, Maxamed 'Jolly Roger' Cilantro told CNN's Wolf Blitzer, "I have something to say to the American infidels who walk around arrogantly in their expensive Nike's and Adidas.

Since January 1, 2008, my powerful band of pirates has attacked, captured, and hijacked close to 100 naval vessels. Some of these vessels include merchant ships, transport ships, cargo vessels, and a wayward icebreaker.

I am proud to say that our yearly income from the ransom that we have collected is over $100 million. We do not provide health care, sickness benefits, lockers, or holiday pay for our employees.

We have become the most feared group of sea bandits since Blackbeard, Captain Kidd, Jean LaFitte, and Commander McHale. We fear no one, not even the great American emperor King George W. the Arrogant or his bumbling sidekick Sir Cheney the Dick.

In just one year, we have become filthy rich. We probably make more money than all of the United States airlines combined; except for Southwest. We drive the biggest cars, we live in fancy three-story homes equipped with A/C. We have big screen TV's and cable with 53 Showtime channels, 67 HBO channels, and 24 weather channels.

Each one of us has a girlfriend, wife, or girlfriend and wife, who are absolutley beautiful. Our women make Heidi Klum, Beyonce Knowles, and Elsa Benitez look like fat little girl scouts."

Cilantro added, "My point is this. we are now ready to, as you Yanks say, turn it up a notch. we are ready to go to the next level. We are ready for prime time, and we are on the bus on our way to the big leagues.

We have taken a vote, and it was unanimous to go after the biggest fish in the ocean. Yes, my American adversaries, we are turning our pirate eyes towards the biggest prize of all...The USS Nimitz, your so-called super aircraft carrier.

And you better start getting your ransom money together, because we are going to be asking for $1 billion dollars, and we want it all in twenties.

My group, the Somali pirates are the high-tech warlords of the high seas. Each and everyone of our pirates is equipped with a cell phone and each one knows exactly how to use it. So I say to you Yanks, you better keep your eye on your rear-view mirror because the Somali pirates are on their way."

When the United States naval commander of the American fleet in the Indan Ocean, Rear Admiral Vernon Chance Starkweather, Jr. was told about Cilantro's remarks he laughed and said, "I hope that Mr. Cilantro did not hurt his arm patting himself on his back.

But at any rate, let me say this to the leader of the Somali pirates. 'I am well aware of the fact that you captured the British frigate, the HMS Duke of Daisy. And I also know that on Thanksgiving eve you captured the Mexican battleship the MS Montezuma's Revenge.

Now, having said that, let me just say that Mr. 'Jolly Roger' Cilantro, your 'capturing days' are over. And I want you to get a good night's sleep because when you wake up tomorrow morning you will be starring smack dab at the largest, greatest, most powerful naval vessel to ever sail the seven seas.'

And just a little information for you and your band of heathen pirates to ponder. The USS Nimitz is 1,092 feet long with a top speed of 30 knots. She has a compliment of 3,200 sailors and 2,480 airmen. She carries 90 ulta modern jet fighters capable of reducing the great Himalayan Mountains into little fire ant mounds in roughly 7.3 seconds.

And 'Old Salt' as she is known has a state-of-the-art Acquisition Radar System that can spot a baby flea on a kitten sitting on the moon. So Mr. Cilantro look for us in YOUR rear view mirror. But let me say this, once you see us you will have about 8/10ths of a second to yell, holler, and scream like the nasty camel petting little girl that you are."

Rear Admiral Starkweather then added, "Oh and Mr. Cilantro just a few more things that I forgot to mention. I suggest that you tell all of your little pirate boys to be sure and write their social security numbers on their arms.

And that's because when the United States Navy gets through with you and your pirate horde, all that will be left of the Indian Ocean Somali pirates will be dirty fingernails, lice-infested cowlicks, and stupid-looking zebra tattoos, and all of that shit will probably end up falling north of Greenland somewhere. Have a nice day Rog."

My name is Rear Admiral Vernon Chance Starkweather, Jr. and I approve of this promise.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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