Garth Crooks : Hello Is that Johnny?, It's Garth here, Calling from London, I'll get straight to the point, I have been sacked as a Pundit by the BBC, let's face it the Match of the Day Boys all hate me, I think I have a good case for Wrongful Dismissal it could be racially motivated, but we don't have any "Showbiz" Black Lawyers in England, are you interested?".
Johnny Cochrane : "Let me get this straight!", "You want me to put my impeccable reputation on on the line, and argue in a Court of Law, that you aren't the worst fucking pundit in the history of punditry? Are you out of your tiny fucking mind?"
Muffled Voice : "I'll do it, what is it?".
Garth Crooks : "The money's good?"
Johnny Cochrane : How much?"
Garth Crooks : "Minimum Five Hundred Thousand"
Johnny Cochrane : "Five Hundred Thousand eh? Dollars or Sterling?"
Muffled Voice : "Five Hundred Thousand?, Dollars, Sterling, Euros, Roubles 'Don't give a fuck I'll do it, what is it?".
Johnny Cochrane : "Sammy, can you please be quiet, I am on the phone to a good friend of mine from the British Broadcasting Corporation, sorry about that Garth, I'm really busy right now sorting out a deal fo OJ Simpsons' Autobiography, Thank God those accusations keep on coming, I'm afraid I'll have to pass"
Garth Crooks : "Who is that in the background?"
Johnny Cochrane : "Oh that's just Samuel L Jackson"
Garth Crooks : "Will he do it?"
Johnny Cocherane : "For $500,000 he'd fuck his own Grandma, ever since those Motherfucking Snakes On A Plane he hasn't worked much, he just hangs around here all the fucking time".
THE NEXT DAY
Gary Lineker: "Look I'm sorry but we're really busy choosing Shirts to wear for Saturday's show ".
Alan Shearer : "Haddaway Mon!"
Samuel L Jackson : "What country you from!"
Alan Shearer : "¿I Am A Geordie? "
Samuel L Jackson : "¿Yammajordi? " ain't no country I know! Do they speak English in "¿Yammajordi? "
Alan Shearer : "¿I Am A Geordie? "
Samuel L Jackson : "English-motherfucker-can-you-speak-it?"
Alan Shearer : "¿I Am A Geordie? "
Samuel L Jackson : "Say "¿Yammajordi? " again! C'mon, say "¿Yammajordi? "
again! I dare ya, I double dare ya Motherfucker, say "¿Yammajordi? " one more goddamn time!"
Mark Lawrenson : "I am the real Star, allow me! How can I help you"
Samuel L Jackson : "Now describe to me what Garth Crooks looks like!"
Mark Lawrenson : "Well he's... he's... black" -
Samuel L Jackson : - "Go on!"
Mark Lawrenson : "...and he's... he's... bald" -
Samuel L Jackson : - "does he look like a bitch?!"
Mark Lawrenson : "Pardon?
Samuel L Jackson : "Does-he-look-like-a-bitch?!"
Mark Lawrenson : "No!"
Samuel L Jackson : "Then why did you try to fuck 'im like a bitch?!"
Mark Lawrenson : "We Didn't!"
Samuel L Jackson : "Yes ya did. Ya tried ta fuck 'im. Well Garth Crooks doesn't like to get fucked by anyone, except Mrs. Garth Crooks!, or possibly Mr., anyway".
Mark Lawrenson : "I don't know what to say ."
Samuel L Jackson : "Oh! I'm Sorry, did I break your concentration?", "First you send him to report on Stoke thinking there won't be anything to talk about, then they beat Everton and it's a big story, lot's of air time, so you send him to Hull and they beat Arsenal, lot's more Garth time", "And then what? The Motherfucking Sunday Show MOTD2!"
Gary Lineker : "But he likes Adrian Chiles!".
Samuel L Jackson : "Well now. Look at the big brain on Gary!"," Nobody likes Adrian fuckin' Chiles!, and then you give his job to that stupid Bitch Jacqui Oakley"
Alan Hansen : "That Defence was criminal!"
Samuel L Jackson : "I don't remember asking you a Goddamn thing!"
" I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brother. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."
Alan Shearer : "Fuck It, Just give him what he wants!"
Mark Lawrenson : "Oh speak Fucking English NOW do we?"
Gary Lineker : "Give Garth his job back, anything, just let me out of here!".
Samuel L Jackson : "That's more like it, anyone else wanna pull that ¿Yammajordi? Shit?"
No.
Good.
Now someone get me a Royal with Cheese,
Fucking metric system!"
