President Bush Suffers Nervous Breakdown

Funny story written by isabar

Sunday, 5 October 2008

President Bush was rushed to Walter Reeed Hospital, having collapsed after giving a letter to a CNN reporter during a press conference.

The letter states the following:

"My Fellow Americans, I've come to realize I might be the worst President in the history of the United States. Yes, I had so much power and I've squandered it. I've wasted your hard earned tax dollars on a war to nowhere. I took away any hope you had for the future. I've stifled your ingenuity. I've lied and cheated for eight years, helping only my friends and myself. I practiced hate and intolerance, yet I preached love and compassion. I'll pay for my sins, I know.

Dick Chaney talked me into doing things I didn't want to do. He's tough, I'm weak, but you knew that when you elected me. Come to think of it, this is actually your fault. Perhaps you ought to start taking responsibility for your actions as well. You've been impressionable, irresponsible and naive. You've behaved like children, isn't time you grew up? For example, why didn't you call me to task when I ordered the invasion of the wrong country, Iraq? Everybody knew they didn't have newcular capability. And why did you think it unpatriotic to question me when I abandoned the search for the real terrorists who savagely murdered thousands on 9/11, and when in the process I made billions of people mad at you? How could anyone trust a buffoon like me? Instead you let me play with you. Each time I wanted you scared, I upped the Homeland Security threat leve to yellow. I loved watching that look of apprehension in your naive faces. You're so easy to scare shi*less.

And my ploys worked. You re-elected me, you masochistic imbeciles. And why didn't you say something when you heard Wall Street managers were collecting billions in bonuses for work you didn't understand? Where did you think that money was coming from? Are your brains having a newcular meltdown?

There's one thing you don't know, however. This whole energy crisis was a ploy (Dick made me do it, once again). This is the only way you'd let us drill for oil everywhere in this country. I want to see a derrick in every backyard. I know I can be honest with you because by now I'm convinced you're too stupid to demand change. You're too lazy to consider alternative energy sources. You're creatures of comfort. Dick, the oil companies and myself are counting on that. We'll celebrate with a beer.

What I love most about you is that you share my belief that women are weak, unable to make good choices about their bodies. And that you know God sent Sarah Palin to save this country. I know you'll vote for John McCain (we all know he won't last long, the poor gizzard, never liked him). Don't fret, my dear impressionable children, because before you know, Sarah's angelic voice will be ringing in your ears every morning for prayer.

She'll appoint justices to the Supreme Court to ensure the Constitution is interpreted as if you're still living in 1787. And she'll protect your right to bear arms, but not to bare arms (that's my little joke there). She'll ensure that once and for all, each of you has an arsenal in your home, from submachine guns to Stinger antiaircraft missiles. You'll need all those weapons to defend yourselves when Sarah attacks Russia and Iran, and when your neighbors try to break into your home when the economic depression hits. You'll need those weapons to hunt for food (don't forget, dog's good eating, just ask the Chinese).

By now you know that Sarah's been sent by God to ensure homosexuals are converted through prayer (those who refuse will be sent to Alaska to help with our oil exploration, we'll need lots of warm bodies there). Sarah will also ensure the poor and disadvantaged pull themselves up by their bootstraps if they want to live in this country. No more government handouts. If you can't support yourself and your family, you'll be sent to Alaska. Also, criminals and dissidents will be shipped to Siberia, er, Alaska. And Sarah will halt immigration. We can't afford foreigners coming here to take our jobs, impose their cultures on us. In fact, under Sarah's leadership we'll all pray to the same God, Lord Jesus Christ.

So, my fellow Americans, please elect John McCain and bring Lord Jesus Christ into your heart. The end is finally here and only those who believe in the Almighty will be saved."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics

Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more